


bloody & torn

by redhairedmuses



Series: nat writes angst about ninja turtles [1]
Category: Rise of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (Cartoon 2018), Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles - All Media Types
Genre: Angst and Feels, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Anxiety, Blood and Injury, Canon-Typical Violence, Donnie gets shredded... quite literally, Donnie-centric, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Family Feels, Family Fluff, Good Parent Splinter (TMNT), It Gets Worse Before It Gets Better, Leo is the team medic, Mild Language, Panic Attacks, Post-Episode: s02e01 Many Unhappy Returns, Turtle Fam, slightly happy ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-28
Updated: 2020-12-30
Packaged: 2021-03-09 21:33:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 24,354
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27763057
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/redhairedmuses/pseuds/redhairedmuses
Summary: Donnie’s eyes widen — his heart skips a beat.squelchhh. squelchhh. squelchhh.The docks grow dangerously quiet and still.No one dares to speak or breathe.Then, he screams.--fic takes place during and after Many Unhappy Returns.orignally wrote a little drabble one night and it grew into this beast.
Series: nat writes angst about ninja turtles [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2084469
Comments: 88
Kudos: 190





	1. shredded

**Author's Note:**

> hello friends!
> 
> this is my very first ROTTMNT fanfiction! i recently joined the fandom and just fell in love with the show. it is so beautiful visually and the writing cracks me up. i love how the creators took a lot of liberties with creating their version of the turtles and i love how different they are. it makes me happy to see that so much love and work went into this project. 
> 
> as you know, i am a sucker for angst and whump. so, being the sadistic person that i am, i couldn't help but write donnie getting his shell shredded and boy i hope i delivered. i listened a lot of angsty and emotional songs to get in this mindset of basically causing a lot of physical pain and torture to one of my favorite characters. 
> 
> thanks for taking the time to read! lemme know in the comments what you think!
> 
> \- natalie

* * *

“EAT SCIENCE!”

Cackling, Donnie watches with a gleeful glint in his eyes as his tech — all his beautiful, shiny tech — charges at Shredder.

However, his victory is short-lived.

And one by one, his tech — his beloved babies — are destroyed. Slashed and smashed to pieces with Shredder clawing through them like they were paper Ninjas. Donnie’s fear immediately spikes as Shredder finishes taking out the remainder of his tech and looks up at him, red eyes glowing brighter. Shredder emits a low growl and whatever bravery Donnie had before is quickly dashed from existence. 

Donnie’s heart pounds in his chest; a thrumming echo of his own fear and panic. All the noise of the fireworks shooting from the boat, Raph and Mikey screaming his name, and April crying out to him simply fade away as his eyes meet the cold red eyes of the Shredder. He swallows, painful, and tight. He had been caught, like a mouse in a trap. Donnie gulps, slowly shaking his head in hopes to shed the feeling of pure terror from his mind.

But the Shredder already has his sights set on the frightened turtle.

_oh no._

“SAD FACE EMOJI!”

With a yelp, Donnie stumbles backward, switching on his battle-shell and pushing off the ground to take to the air. But Shredder springs forward, jumping onto his back, sending him crashing to the ground. Donnie manages to land a well-aimed kick to Shredder’s chest, but it does little to stop the demon. His actions only buying him mere seconds to scramble to his knees to try and get away — but the Shredder is faster, stronger, and far deadlier.

Donnie has little time to fully process what is happening to him until he’s wrenched backward, landing hard on his plastron, knocking the wind out of him. He tries to reach out for his tech-bo, having been knocked free after Shredder first jumped him. He cries out as razor-sharp talons proceed to rip his battle-shell to ribbons. The sound of metal being torn and ripped away, static crackling and sparking is loud and hurts. And then — there it is. The blood in Donnie’s veins turns to ice. The cold claws digging further into the circuitry of his battle-shell and then gauge themselves into his now bared and unprotected soft-shell.

Donnie’s eyes widen — his heart skips a beat.

_squelchhh. squelchhh. squelchhh._

The docks grow dangerously quiet and still.

No one dares to speak or breathe.

Then, he screams.

And the Shredder laughs — cruel and guttural.

His claws sink themselves further into Donnie’s shell, causing Donnie to convulse and scream louder. Another scream tears from his throat as Shredder shoves his body harder into the concrete.

The sound of electricity crackles in the air. Then, there’s a familiar shout of, “HEY SHRED-HEAD! GET YOUR CLAWS OFF MY BROTHER!”

Donnie hears something _SWOOSH_ and the claws are forcibly ripped from his shell, spraying blood in the air and splattering on the concrete. Blood pours freely from his open wounds, staining his already ruined battle shell an ugly shade of red, dripping down his back and onto his legs. It is no surprise that his battle-shell is scrapped, sparking, and mangled beyond recognition. But his battle-shell is an easy fix, but what lay underneath those wires and metal panels —

Donnie shivers at the thought. Growing up with three brothers, Donnie’s had his fair share of cuts and scrapes over the years — but they all pale in comparison to whatever injuries lay hidden under his battle-shell.

Flinching, Donnie stretches out his hand, reaching for his discarded tech-bō, his muscles protesting with every move he makes. His whole body feels like it’s on fire, burning and straining. Finally, he manages to curl his fingers around his tech-bō and draws it close to him. He reminds himself that he can’t just lay here and do nothing. His brothers need him; they can’t take on Shredder alone.

He grits his teeth, carefully lifting his already aching head off the ground to watch Raph pummel Shredder with the very familiar rage of Savage Raph™ in full view; he can’t help but crack a pained smile. Mikey comes swinging into view, hooping and hollering as he whips out his kusari-fundo to catch the Shredder by the ankle, flipping him into the ground. Watching his brothers fight makes Donnie grin but he knows that both Raph’s and Mikey’s combined powers are still no match for Shredder’s centuries-old body. And while they are all grateful for April insisting on obtaining her crane license, she was still human — but one badass human, as the turtles had come to discover.

Groaning, Donnie braces himself on his elbows and slowly attempts to push his body off the ground — but pain ripples through his spine, causing him to cry out. He buckles forward, landing hard on the concrete. His hand tightens around his tech-bō and squeezes his eyes shut.

He hates feeling like this.

Useless.

Pathetic.

Weak.

_get up. get up, you idiot. your brothers need you. get up! GET. UP._

Donnie swallows hard, opens his eyes, and finally — _finally_ —pushes himself off the ground, every muscle in his body visibly protesting. His arms tremble under his weight, nearly causing him to fall again, but he still gets to his knees.

“Donnie!”

_april?_

“Hey, hey, tough guy, stop pushing yourself!” and to Donnie’s relief, April is right there to catch him. She skids to a stop, dropping to her knees, and places a firm, warm hand on his forearm. “Take it easy, you really took a beating.”

Donnie takes in her appearance, his eyes were now half-lidded and vision fuzzy. He can make out the fact that her clothes are disheveled, torn in some places with dirt and grime coating the material. There’s a tear in her jacket, just above her elbow; and her glasses are slightly askew, just starting to slip down on her nose.

“I’m fine,” he grinds out.

“Like hell you are,” April snaps back. She pushes her glasses back onto the bridge of her nose and huffs, rolling up her sleeves. Her arm slowly comes around to wrap around his waist, her bare arm brushing against his open wounds.

Donnie hisses at the sensation, jolting April to lower her arm’s position, slipping closer to his hip. He slowly lifts his head and meets April’s concerned gaze. Her eyes bore into his and he can clearly see the tears brimming on the corners.

“Can you walk?” she asks softly.

“Yeah, I think so,” he says with a nod. “Mind helping me up?”

Donnie allows himself to be brought up to his feet, his knees shaky and trembling as he rises slowly. He looks up, supporting his weight on his tech-bō, and watches as Shredder once again disappears in the wake of the fireworks. His heart sinks. Shredder was gone, but for how long, he couldn’t help but wonder. He knows he’ll have to do some calculations on where he would probably strike next once they’d regrouped, rested, and assessed the damage…

“Donnie!”

Donnie looks to see Mikey and Raph stumbling towards him. They too look a little worse for the wear, supporting dozens of cuts, scrapes, and bumps as a result of their encounter with Shredder. Mikey’s right cheek is slightly swollen, most likely from taking a nasty punch in the face. Donnie flinches, concluding that the bruise would show up the next morning. And as for Raph, his knuckles are badly bruised and cracked, bleeding sluggishly from slicing themselves against Shredder’s armor. The wraps around his fists are stained red, just like his mask. Both their mouths open to speak but Donnie quickly cuts them off —

“Before you say anything, I’m fine, alright? But, we need to get out of here,” Donnie says. He feels cool sweat beading down his forehead. He isn’t too concerned as to what he looks like, only that they get as far away as possible before Shredder comes back for another round. “I have a feeling Shredder won’t be too far behind.”

“You’re clearly not fine!” Mikey protests. He gestures wildly at him, arms frantically waving up and down. Despite this being true, Donnie ignores Mikey’s protests, adjusting his weight to lean heavily on his tech-bō. “You just got stomped on by Shredder! You look — ”

Donnie rolls his eyes. _oh_ _michael_ _, always the worrier._

“Stop worrying, Michael. I’m — ”

“If you say ‘fine’, one more time, Donnie…” Raph warns with a growl.

Donnie knows he doesn’t need to check over his shoulder to see the damage. He knows that his beloved battle-shell is ruined; and it’ll take weeks for him to completely fix it. Mikey, worrying his bottom lip, reaches out to touch Donnie’s arm. Flinching, Donnie leans back, adverting Mikey’s worried touch, and shrugs April off. He’s fine. Some stitches, a handful of painkillers, and a nice nap would do just the trick — he’ll be good as new.

Ever the logical one, Donnie jerks his head towards the city.

“C’mon, we better get moving.”

As he turns his back to his brothers — three audible gasps make him stop dead in his tracks.

“Christ, D… your shell,” Raph whispers.

Donnie flinches at the tone of his oldest brother’s voice. April brings her hands to her lips to muffle her gasp. And Mikey — his baby brother — _fuck_ , there are tears in his eyes. Donnie forces himself to look away. Out of all of them, Mikey’s expression is what hurts him the most. He looks visibly frightened at the horror of his mangled battle-shell. His eyes are wide and his face looks pinched, as if in pain.

The battle-shell itself is a mangled, jumbled mess of ripped reinforced alloy and shredded mechanical insides, some of which spill out from three large gouges — two of which rip entirely through the rim of the shell, just above his shoulder — and one more, shorter than the first two. However, all of them are rooted deep into the shell’s metal surface. The single hinge that swings out of the rotors of the battle-shell is lopsided and dislodged — and the rotors are completely gone.

Shredder’s handiwork no doubt.

Donnie slowly turns to Raph, his expression clearly exhausted and annoyed. He flinches at the movement, his battle-shell still causing him a significant amount of pain. He’s already irritated with the fact that Shredder had completely destroyed his battle-shell, but now his brothers and April were treating him like he was 6 again.

“Oh, don’t tell me,” he drawls, his brows flattening. “It’s ruined?”

“Hey, watch your tone, Donnie-boy,” April snips. Her eyes narrow, and her lips purse into a frown. “Now’s really not the time to be your sarcastic, detached self. You just got your battle-shell ripped to pieces!”

“Can’t help it,” Donnie says with a gentle shrug of his shoulders. He flinches at the motion and hisses in pain with gritted teeth. “It’s how I cope.”

“Oh. My. God… you are making it so hard not to kick your butt right now…” April says, pinching the bridge of her nose. 

“Sorry, Shredder beat you to the punch.”

April glares at him, fuming.

“You pretentious — ”

“Both of you stop it! Arguing aint’ gonna solve anythin’,” Raph cuts in. He steps up to stand in between a bristling April and an equally frustrated and exhausted Donnie. “We need to get back to the city so when Leo and Pops get back we’ll be ready for them.”

“You mean if they get back…” Donnie grumbles. _Fuck_ , he really can’t stop himself.

Raph whirls to face him. “Donnie! Not. Helping!”

“STOP!” Mikey finally shouts.

The air grows still and all eyes turn to Mikey.

“Please! Just stop — _please_ …” Mikey sniffs and rubs his eyes with the back of his hand. He continues to hastily wipe his tears, but they won’t stop. They are hot and wet, dribbling down Mikey’s cheeks and dropping onto the concrete. Mikey chokes on a sob and turns his head away, his breath hitching.

“We’re not supposed to be fighting each other! We’re the Mad Dogs! We’re — we’re brothers!” He hiccups, his sobs only increasing in intensity and volume. And finally, he whimpers, "We're family."

“Hey, hey, Mikey,” Raph murmurs, slipping into his ‘protective big brother voice’; one that Donnie is very familiar with. “It’s okay, we’re okay. ‘Course we’re still brothers. Nothing’s gonna change that. C’mon, take some deep breaths for me, okay? In and out, just like we practiced, ‘ight? In and out.”

Nodding, Mikey obeys Raph’s request, breathing in for a count of 4, holding for 7, and then exhaling for 8. At first, the breathes are ragged and shaky, still lingering on more of a sob, but eventually, they too even out, and Mikey is breathing normally once more. A very much welcomed relief.

Raph sighs and slowly brings an arm around Mikey’s shoulder, drawing him close to his side. Mikey shuts his eyes and turns his head into Raph’s plastron and nuzzles him, something he hasn’t done in years. Raph turns his gaze to Donnie, eyes narrowed and nostrils flaring. His expression only coming across as _‘you got any ideas in that big head of yours?’_

Donnie, still leaning on his tech-bō, huffs, and taps a few times on his gauntlet. He can sense that April is still pretty pissed with him, and he knows he’ll have to apologize to her. Mikey’s still trying to calm down and Raph — Donnie sighs. He shakes his head. Standing around here wasn’t going to solve their current predicament. Leo and their dad were counting on them to keep Shredder at bay while they sought out whatever could stop the demon for good.

“There’s an abandoned medical supply warehouse a few blocks from here where we can rest,” Donnie murmurs, pulling up a map of the docks and surrounding buildings. He taps on the little emoji of his face and points due west. “Maybe there are some supplies we can use to help — well, this situation.” He jerks his thumb over his shoulder, gesturing to his mangled battle-shell.

Raph exchanges a knowing glance at April who nods and gently pries Mikey off Raph, pulling him towards her, and the two begin walking west. Donnie takes a step forward to follow, but Raph is right there to stop him. Raph extends a hand and Donnie looks at it, confusion written on his face.

“C’mon, get on my back,” Raph says. “You ain’t walking there with your shell messed up like that.”

Donnie frowns at the notion and grinds out, “I can walk just fine, _Raphael_.”

“I wasn’t askin’, _Donatello_.”

Now, logically, Donnie knew that in this current state he was in no shape to put up a fight, so reluctantly, he obliges his older brother and allows himself to be gently lifted onto Raph’s back and hauled to the warehouse. Eventually, he drops his chin in the crook of Raph’s neck, flinching any time he’s jostled too roughly and bites back any grunts or groans of pain. After walking the few blocks to the warehouse, Donnie and Raph arrive to see Mikey passed out against one of the pillars and April sitting next to him with her knees drawn to her chest. She waves at them, a sheepish smile on her lips. She gets up from the floor and helps ease Donnie down and off Raph’s back.

“Mikey fell asleep the second we got here,” April whispers, careful not to wake the youngest turtle.

“You’ve gone quiet, Don. You still good?” Raph asks, nudging him in the arm.

“Just tired,” Donnie replies, stifling a yawn.

Donnie lays down on the ground, opting to lie on his plastron with his arms crossed to keep his head up. He yawns, pressing his cheek down on his forearms, and blinks slowly. He knows sleep will come soon enough. They’re all exhausted. Drained physically, mentally, and emotionally.

Donnie recalls that the last three days had been nothing but non-stop fighting (both Big Mama and her Battle Nexus and the Shredder), getting their butts kicked multiple times, and having barely (if any) time to rest and catch their breath. But at this moment, the trio could finally take a spare minute to rest their already battle-born bodies, regroup, and breathe… just _breathe_.

Yawning again, Donnie closes his eyes and slowly begins to breathe, in and out, hoping sleep would claim him. However, it wasn’t long before voices began to murmur and whisper not far from him. He cracks open an eye and sees Raph and April, both still standing near the entrance of the warehouse.

“I knew it was a bad idea to split up the Mad Dogs,” Donnie overhears Raph mutter. His brother sighs and then there’s a thump; a fist slamming against the warehouse’s already crumbling wall. “We should’ve gone with them!”

“Shredder would’ve destroyed New York before we even got back. We had no choice, you know that big guy,” April cuts in. “‘Sides, Leo, and Splints won’t let us down. They know how important this is and they wouldn’t just leave us high and dry. Now, try to get some sleep. We should have some time before Shred-head comes back.”

Raph heaves a sigh.

“Thanks Apes.”

“Go,” she says, bumping her fist against Raph’s shoulder. “I’ll take first watch.”

Donnie quickly shut his eyes, pretending to be asleep as Raph walks past him and drops down closer to Mikey. He opens an eye and meets Raph’s tired gaze. His older brother manages to give him a soft smile, his snaggletooth glinting in the moonlight.

 _we’re gonna be okay. i promise,_ his smile says to him.

Donnie gives him another nod, returning the gesture. _i know._ Yawning, he closes his eyes for what he hopes is the last time and allows sleep to take him.

* * *


	2. fallout

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey friends! after someone informed me that parts of the second chapter bore a resemblance to another fanfic, i decided to remove the chapter and do some major editing before posting again. i am so sorry if i have offended anyone and i hope that this new version is much better. thank you kind anon who brought this to my attention!
> 
> hope you all enjoy this chapter and make sure to bring plenty of tissues for all the angst!
> 
> \- natalie
> 
> potential warnings: blood, injury, and some language

* * *

Donnie wakes to someone shaking his shoulder. Grunting, he cracks an eye open to see April smiling at him. She looks less pissed than before which for him is a good sign, but there is still the lingering effect of his words. He blinks slowly, his eyes adjusting to the moon-lit warehouse. His gaze shifts over to his brothers where he finds Mikey still fast asleep, curled against Raph’s side and snoring softly. Raph’s eyes are shut and his head is leaning down onto Mikey’s, but Donnie knows he isn’t asleep. His expression is too tight and drawn back — he’s only pretending for April’s sake.

“How long have I been out?” Donnie whispers, his voice hoarse. April pops open a water bottle and hands it to him. He doesn’t even bat an eye or asks where she found it when he takes a large swig of it and hands it back to her.

“About an hour,” April replies, plopping down next to him. “Still no signs of Shredder. But I figured I needed to keep you up so you don’t go dying on me.”

“I suppose I should thank you for that,” he mutters, his eyelids still heavy. His gaze shifts back over to his brothers. His heart clenches at the sight of them. Leo and Splinter should be here with them. They should all be here, together — as a family, he muses. There’s a solemn beat of silence and then, he murmurs, “I’m worried about them.”

April stays silent as if waiting for him to speak again.

“Maybe it’s the adrenaline talking, but, I’m worried about Leo and Dad,” Donnie confesses. “What if they don’t make it back in time?”

“They will, D,” April assures him. She reaches down and takes one of his hands into her own and gives it a firm squeeze. “You just gotta have faith, okay?”

Donnie smirks and raises an eyebrow at her.

“When’d you get so wise, Miss O’Neil?” he teases.

“I’ve always been this way, Bootyyyshaker9000. _You_ just haven’t been paying attention,” April grins back with a wink.

The two soon fall into a comfortable silence. Then, there’s a rumbling in the distance. They both look up and a flash of lightning streaks over the city's skyline. Thunder — and seconds later, lightning crackles. The thunder rumbles again, closer this time, and then there’s a flash of lightning. Mikey jolts awake with a panicked cry. Donnie immediately looks over to see Mikey wide awake, jostling Raph from his “sleep”. He frantically looks around with panic-filled eyes and is quickly drawn back to Raph’s side.

“Woah, hey, hey, take it easy, Mikey. It’s just a little thunder, okay?” Raph whispers to their youngest brother.

“I thought — I thought it was — ” Mikey doesn’t finish his sentence; and the whimpering that follows only makes Donnie flinch more.

“I know, I know,” Raph says, rubbing Mikey’s arm. “But we’re okay. Leo and Pops will be back before you can say Jupiter Jim, alright?”

Mikey nods with a whine and looks up to meet Donnie’s gaze. He wipes his eyes. 

“How you feeling, D?” he asks with a sniff. 

“Like I’ve been hit by a centuries-old demon with sharp claws and a bad attitude,” he mumbles.

Raph snorts, appearing grateful that Donnie’s sarcastic personality was still fully intact. It was a nice feeling, even despite the circumstances. He slowly gets to his feet, pulling Mikey up and dusting off his hands. With now a storm heading towards them, they still had to make it back to the city before Leo and their dad got back from the Hidden City.

“You guys ready to go?” Raph asks, walking over to April and Donnie.

“As ready as we’ll ever be, big guy,” April sighs. She smiles down at Donnie. “You still with us, Donnie?”

“Yeah, still here,” he huffs. “Let’s get this over with.”

Donnie reaches out and allows himself to be brought steadily to his feet. He hisses at the motion, trying his best to be careful and not jostle the battle-shell too much. There is still a fight to be had and he couldn’t just sit this one out. Raph reaches down to pull him onto his back but Donnie holds up a hand, halting him.

“I can walk just fine,” Donnie says.

Raph frowns, but sighs.

“Fine,” he grunts. He lifts a finger and points it at Donnie. “But if I catch ya fallin’ behind, I’m carryin’ ya whether ya like it or not. Deal?”

Donnie smirks, rolls his eyes, and agrees to Raph’s proposition.

“Deal.”

And so, the trio set off from the warehouse and towards the city. They walk for several blocks, grateful that no one was out and about — the approaching storm having ushered everyone back inside. And just as they enter the city, it starts to rain. At first, it’s a drizzle. A gentle patter. But it’s not long before it grows heavier, turning into a steady rain with thunder clapping and lightning flashing above them.

“Yo D! Think ya could pin-point where Shredder might show up next?” Raph calls out from the front of their line.

Donnie shrugs, wincing at the motion. He was really going to have to stop doing that. He turns on his tech gauntlet and begins inputting all the necessary data points that correspond with Shredder’s sporadic appearances and disappearances. A few clicks here, a few clicks there — and ha! Bingo! Donnie slows his pace and uses his free hand to zoom in on their destination.

“There should be an alley two blocks ahead on our right,” Donnie shouts back. He points ahead of them. “All the data points to that alley.”

Just as he lowers his arm, his eyes glance down to see a thin trail of blood mixed with rain dripping down his leg. He slowly turns to see the long trail behind him. Judging by the length of it, he’d been bleeding for a while but luckily at a much slower pace. At least he could breathe a sigh of relief at the fact that his battle-shell was probably keeping the worst of the injuries from opening. Of course, there was no way of truly knowing what lay beneath the surface unless they took off the battle-shell. Donnie shakes the thought from his mind — they can’t afford to think like that right now. They’ve still got to stop Shredder, Donnie decides.

His shell can wait.

With Raph leading the charge, they duck down into the alley and form a circle to prepare for their next move.

Opting to stay standing, Donnie rubs at his eyes, his vision slightly blurry. He sighs and leans to the side, hoping the cover of darkness in the alley would hide the trail of blood from his brothers and April. He tunes them out but continues to watch their lips move. His eyelids droop — fuck, he was tired. Donnie lets out another yawn. He could sneak in a quick snooze before any of them noticed… yeah, a nap didn’t sound so bad.

Just… a tiny one.

_no one would — notice — no one — would — no —_

“— onnie? Donnie? Yo, D!”

Donnie blinks stupidly at his brothers and April before his eyes roll into the back of his head and he slumps forward. Raph shouts his name and is right there to catch him before he hits face-first into the ground.

Raph holds Donnie tight, unaware of the familiar swooshing and whirling sounds of a portal opening. April and Mikey look to the open portal where — to their relief — Splinter tumbles out, followed by Leo. They’re wearing vaguely familiar-looking Lou Jitsu jumpsuits and in Leo’s hand, there was a collar. He twirls the collar around his finger, a proud smirk gracing his lips.

“You love us, you missed us, we’re back, baby! Rat Jitsu and Blue, saving the day — ”

“POPS! LEO!”

The funny-looking collar in Leo’s hand stops twirling and slipped from his grip, clattering to the ground. Leo’s eyes widened as he took in the scene before him. April has tears in her eyes, Mikey looks like he’s ready to collapse, and Raph is holding his twin in his arms — and Donnie’s —

Leo’s heart skips a beat.

“Donnie?” he whispers, his breath hitching.

A beat passes and said turtle slowly lifts his head, much to everyone’s relief, flashing a well-timed smirk to his brother and muttering, “You sure took your time, Leon.”

“Purple? My son!” Splinter immediately scrambles to drop next to April and Raph, his tiny claws slowly brushing against Donnie’s cheek. Donnie flinches and blinks at him. Splinter looks to both April and Raph for answers, his lips pressed into a thin line. “What happened to him?”

“Shredder,” Raph replies. “He got Donnie and got him good. I wasn’t — ” the words catch in his throat. He turns his head away, ashamed, and disappointed in himself.

Splinter gently places a hand on Raph’s arm.

“Wasn’t Raph’s fault,” Donnie mumbles, alerting everyone of his presence. His words have begun to slur and he was pale — dangerously pale. “Wasme — tooo \- sllloow.”

Leo gets down to his knees, gently grabbing his twin by the shoulders. He gently shakes him, causing Donnie’s head to bob back and forth. Donnie blinks owlishly at him, his eyes unfocused and distant.

“Hey - _hey_ , _Donald_ — stay awake, okay? Keep your eyes open for me,” Leo says. He quickly snatches the collar Big Mama gave them and clutches it tightly in his hand. He shoves it towards Donnie’s face and waves it in front of him. “Can’t have you falling asleep on us, brother. We still got a raging demon to trap, remember?”

“Blue, do not antagonize him,” Splinter scolds. Leo sharply looks to his father, glaring at him. “Purple is in no condition to fight.”

“I can still hear you,” Donnie manages to spit out. His fingers curl tighter around his tech-bo He looks up to meet Leo’s gaze, a new determined look in his eye. Maybe it was the adrenaline talking, but Donnie wasn’t going to go down just yet.

“Donnie, you just passed out,” April presses. “You’re more injured than you’re letting on.”

“I’m fine,” Donnie says, still pushing. He looks awful, but he has no plans to abandon his brothers, not when they are _this_ close. “I’m not letting you guys take on Shredder alone. We’re in this together, remember?”

“Donnie — ” Raph pleads.

“I’m not backing down just because I got hurt,” Donnie retorts. “You would do the same thing, right?”

Raph opens his mouth to protest but he’s interrupted by a faint crackling in the air — and they all know it isn’t lightning. His eyes widen; Shredder had come for them. Raph looks to Leo who is up on his feet and clutching the collar in his hand.

“You sure this thing will work, Leo?” he asks as April helps Donnie stand up.

Leo nods once, saying with a smile, “Trust me.”

Raph returns the smile.

“I do,” he says. Raph turns to them and smashes his fist against his palm. “All right, Mad Dogs. Get ready! This is our last shot to trap this creep and send him back to wherever hole he crawled out from!”

There’s a snarl from behind them and that’s when all hell breaks loose.

Donnie hears Raph shouting to his left, screaming for him to release the white handkerchief. He presses the release button and the handkerchief pops out, blinding Shredder who begins to screech and shakes his head in an attempt to free his vision. He ducks down, narrowly missing another swipe of Shredder’s claw across his plastron, and watches in awe as Leo leaps into the air, shoves the collar around Shredder’s neck, and flips off the demon’s back.

They watch with gritted teeth and clenched jaws as the red glow of Shredder’s eyes fades and he ceases to move. They’d done it — they defeated the Shredder. How the hell they managed that is still a wonder, but Donnie is just grateful that it’s finally over. Donnie breathes a heavy sigh of relief and presses his forehead against his tech-bo. He wants nothing more than to smile and celebrate with his family but they still have to get back to the lair — which was still about an hour’s walk from their current location.

Big Mama arrives to take Shredder’s husk back to the Hidden City and departs with a cruel smirk. And the look on her face doesn’t sit well with Donnie, but he ignores it for the sake of his family.

With the Shredder now gone and in Big Mama’s capable hands, they all take turns crawling down the ladder, dropping down into the sewer, and begin the long walk home. And it’s relatively quiet. After three days of non-stop rip-roaring action, it appears that no one has it in them to strike up a conversation. However, Mikey, being ever the optimist, occasionally manages to strike up a variety of conversations with whatever thought pops into his head, diving headfirst into a brief back-and-forth between himself, Raph, and April. Leo takes his turn jumping in when he can (and when the time is right). Splinter is humming something under his breath, like a song or something. 

And Donnie —

Sighing, Donnie scrubs a hand over his face. He slows his pace to the point of practically trudging behind his family. His breathing is ragged and it only hurts more with every step he takes. He can feel his lungs rattling and _shit_ — it burns. He coughs several times, alerting Leo of the fact that he’s fallen behind. 

“Donnie?” Leo calls out. “You good?”

“Just taking a breather. Don’t mind me,” Donnie mumbles, waving his brother off. _don’t turn around._ he pleads. _please don’t turn around. don’t turn around._

Donnie coughs again and he hears Leo stop in his tracks. He spits whatever is caught in his throat and shudders. He slowly lifts his head and flinches when he hears Leo hiss through his teeth. He can only imagine he looks like shit. Even in the shadows of the sewers, he can see that the green of his skin is washed out and pale.

“ _Fuck_ ,” Donnie whispers. _annnddd... going down!_ His knees buckle and Donnie falls. He hears Leo shout his name and feels a pair of arms catching him. 

“Donnie, dude, _shit_ — not cool! Give a guy a warning next time, alright?” Leo grits out, teeth clenched. He struggles to stay upright and mumbles, “Christ, you’re heavier than you look!”

“Here, lemme help Leo,” Mikey says.

Donnie feels his weight be shifted and together, his brothers lower him down until he’s sitting on the ground. Donnie leans back, pressing his head against the wall of the sewer. Leo crouches down and tilts his head to try and get a better look at Donnie’s face. But Donnie is quick to turn his head away, waving them off. 

“I’m fine, quit being so dramatic," he grumbles. 

Donnie knows that as long as he’s conscious, he’s fine. No more sudden passing out. No more sudden drops. He'll be fine.

Of course, Donnie doesn't need to be a genius to know his body clearly has a different opinion on the matter. His chest is heaving and his eyes are half-lidded. There’s a thin layer of sweat coating his skin, a subtle nod to the human DNA coursing through his veins.

Leo scoffs, taking offense to the “dramatic” comment. He frowns and rolls his eyes. 

“Right, and I’m the Mayor of New York. Cut the bullshit, Donnie,” he snaps. Leo slowly reaches down to touch an undamaged section of Donnie's shell, but the second his fingers graze him, Donnie yelps and twists away. 

“Where’s the pain, D?” Leo asks, now in full "Leo-medic" mode. When Donnie doesn’t respond, he presses for more information. Anger and frustration flash across his face. “Come on, you gotta tell me what’s wrong. I can’t help if you don’t tell me!”

“I think he’s really hurt, Leo,” Mikey murmurs, ignoring Donnie’s glowering gaze.

“Yeah, I kinda got that, Mikey," Leo bites back. 

“You do know I’m sitting _right_ here,” Donnie grounds out, his voice a little steadier than before. He attempts to shrug Leo and Mikey away, but they stay put. Donnie shakes his head, knowing they are not going to leave him at this rate, and sighs. “And I’m—”

“Don’t even say it,” Raph growls, having now arrived with both April and Splinter. “No more usin’ ‘fine’, alright? I’m startin’ to think we might need to ban ‘fine’ from the lair altogether.”

Donnie somehow manages to roll his eyes.

“What is the problem? You said you were okay,” Splinter says, his whiskers twitching. He places a hand on Donnie’s forehead and then slowly slides down to cup his cheek. "What is wrong Purple?"

Once again, Donnie tilts his face away from the contact, waving Splinter’s hand away. 

“I'm fine... mostly,” he says. His nostrils flare in frustration. “It didn’t…” He swallows and shuts his eyes. “It didn’t seem _that_ bad.” He tries to use Mikey’s shoulder to haul himself to his feet, only to gasp in pain and slump back down before anyone could stop him. He grits his teeth. “Although… I may have misjudged the full extent of my injures.”

Raph moves closer, one hand lingering above Donnie’s shell without touching. “Alright, c’mon Donnie, let’s take off the battle shell and we can — ”

 _“Wait - don’t!”_ Donnie quickly snaps, slapping Raph’s hand away. He exhales heavily, his gaze shifting over his shoulder. “Don’t take it off - not yet at least. Look, can we worry about my injures _after_ we get home?”

He starts moving again, ignoring Leo’s huff of protest. Leo glances over to Mikey, sending him a look of, ‘let’s help the asshole before he does something even more stupid’. Sighing, Mikey complies and assists Leo in getting Donnie to his feet. Once up, Donnie slumps heavily against Leo’s side, his breathing once again heavy and jaw clenched. 

“So, is this payback for the Lair Games?” Leo grins. 

“Leo,” Raph warns. 

“What? You know how sarcastic and witty remarks is how I cope with stress,” Leo responds. 

Raph rolls his eyes.

“I gotcha D,” Mikey pipes up. He tugs Donnie’s other arm over his shoulder, wincing as Donnie makes a pained noise. 

Splinter looks unhappy and concerned. “Purple,” he tries to say, but Raph is quick to stop him from prodding any further.

“Home first, Pops,” Raph cuts in, clamping a hand on Splinter’s shoulder. “C’mon, the lair's not too far. We'll be home before we know it." 

Splinter sighs, reluctantly complying with Raph’s request; and with Donnie, Leo, and Mikey leading the way, the group resumes their trek home. And a similar thought comes across all their minds: what else was Donnie hiding from them?

* * *


	3. it should've been me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey friends, ya girl is back with another chapter! and this one is a DOOZY. 
> 
> i am pretty impressed by the chapter and boy did i have a lot of emotions while writing this. i had to listen to a lot of sad music in order to get in that mindset of putting one of my favorite characters through some serious trauma. 
> 
> have fun reading!
> 
> \- natalie
> 
> note: after a couple of anons talked to me about another fanfic called "No Warning" by tiredRobin, i decided to do some major edits to my own fic so the lines don't seem so blurred. i do want to extend my apologies to the author if i have offended you in any way, shape, or form. it was not my intention to do so. i was simply writing my interpretation and i do humbly apologize. i recently read the fic and fell in love with it myself! it's super good and heartwrenching. go check it out folks and give the author some love!! 
> 
>   
> tw: blood, injury, language, anxiety & panic attacks

* * *

Raph, Donnie decides, is awful when it comes to judging distance and time.

With him being half-carried by his family, things go notably slower. Very, _very_ slow in fact. Not even halfway through their final stretch, Mikey is forced to switch out with Raph (per Splinter’s orders). April offers to step up and take over for Leo, but he refuses. Splinter gives him a firm glare but Leo insists that he’s okay and presses on with Donnie hanging on his shoulder.

And finally, after what feels like an eternity of walking, the tunnels slowly become familiar, and scattered here and there on the walls are the bright neons and stark black lines of Mikey’s graffiti. It’s a welcomed sight and everyone is relieved when the lair comes into view.

The open atrium is pitch black when they enter. The night sky and city lights that lay high above offers a small amount of light, but it’s enough for them to get their bearings. April moves ahead of the others, flicking on the lights strung up around the room. Slowly, the lights flicker to life, and everyone breaths a collective sigh of relief. Just as they had left it.

“Home sweet home,” Donnie mutters.

“The fact you can still manage to be sarcastic in a time like this amazes me,” Leo says, shaking his head. 

Donnie wants to laugh, he really does — but the pain in his chest makes it already difficult to breathe. He nods and looks up at the ramp leading up to the med bay. He frowns. Why they decided to put the med bay on the second floor is a mystery to him?

“I got it from here, Leo,” Raph says.

Leo releases Donnie and watches as Raph gently pulls Donnie onto his back. Donnie’s arms wrap around Raph’s neck and he holds on tightly. Raph goes up the ramp first with Mikey and April not too far behind. Leo follows behind the others, taking large strides before slipping past Raph and darting into the med bay.

Inside, there’s an exam table. A small counter with an even smaller sink. Some cabinets with various medical supplies like towels, bandages, and Leo’s collection of first aid kits inside. There’s an IV pole in the corner, only used in dire emergencies, and all are in agreement that this qualifies as an emergency. And the mini-fridge, stocked full of water and other medical supplies. The table’s backing is sitting upright, set up after the whole Lair Games fiasco just a few months prior. Leo adjusts the backing of the table, securing it to lay completely flat.

“You can let me down now, Raphael,” Donnie says.

Raph murmurs an apology and allows Donnie to slip off his back and onto the ground. Donnie is slow-moving, and everyone holds their breaths as he climbs onto the exam table. They can see his arms are visibly shaking and struggling to hold his weight. Finally, Donnie slumps against the cool surface of the exam table and his body is on full display.

Under the stark white lights, everyone can see that his skin is ashen, there’s sweat casting an uncomfortable sheen on his face, and there’s dried blood on his legs. Leo swears under his breath and shakes his head. Donnie can feel their eyes on him and for a second he almost wishes he was able to retreat into his shell like Mikey. He shifts his head and meet’s Raph’s worried gaze. He can see that his big brother is struggling to take his eyes off the battle shell.

Of course, who could blame him?

It was a mess, and they still had to take the damned thing off to see the damage underneath.

Raph quickly looks away, shifting his gaze towards the corner counter where Mikey begins rifling through the lower cabinets. He takes out an armload of fluffy pink towels (a laundry mishap) and dumps them onto the counter. Raph looks up and meets Mikey's panicked gaze; he’s just as scared as everyone else. Raph grits his teeth. 

“We gotta get the shell off him,” April says. She pushes her glasses up, having slipped down while running up the stairs to the med bay. She purses her lips, eyes raking over the ruined battle shell. Her hand slowly reaches out to touch the shell but she quickly retracts it and lets it fall limp at her side. “Donnie, how do we — ”

“One second,” he gasps, shifting his arm enough that he can reach over his shoulder and press the release switch.

However, his fingers tremble and he barely misses the switch. His hand falls limp. He tries again but every muscle in his body protests. Finally, he drops his hand and shuts his eyes. Donnie looks defeated. He should be able to press the switch and be done with it — but he can’t. He just can’t. He feels tears building in the corners of his eyes. He tries not to cry but it’s too much. The tears begin to fall and Donnie feels so useless. 

He starts to cry. He's been the "smart guy" for as long as he could remember and now? Now he couldn't even remove his own tech. Donnie pays no heed to the sound of footsteps moving towards him. April comes around to the front of the table and kneels down, her face now inches from Donnie’s. She reaches up and touches his wrist. 

“D? Hey, look at me,” she says softly. His eyes meet hers. She smiles at him and asks, “What do you need me to do?”

Donnie hiccups and swallows. He breaths through his nose and nods. He points to the release switch.

“Press that button,” he says. “It’ll come off.”

“Okay, okay,” April nods, stands up, and does exactly as Donnie instructs her. She presses the button and a soft hiss graces her ears. The left strap falls from Donnie’s shoulder, a welcomed relief. He shuts his eyes, breathing a sigh of relief. He closes his eyes and listens closely as the right one twitches and makes that familiar _click-clack_ sound... and to everyone’s relief, the battle shell finally comes off.

It clatters to the floor and Donnie chokes on a muffled sob, the edge of the battle-shell scraping his shoulders.

Then Raph sees it. In fact, they all see it.

The blood.

Raph's eyes widen. Donnie was right — the battle shell was keeping him from bleeding out. Raph watches in horror as blood begins to pour out of the jagged lacerations cutting diagonally across his brother’s heavily damaged shell. It drips onto the table, forming a pool of blood. The scene is definitely not the faint of heart.

In front of him, Splinter begins barking out orders and the others jump to converge around Donnie, snatching up towels and begin to work on stopping the blood flow. Donnie’s eyes slowly slide shut and he’s out like a light. Leo checks Donnie’s pulse and confirms it. He breathes a sigh of relief, grateful that the worst was over. 

“He’s out,” Leo mutters. “Now the real fun begins.”

Raph watches the scene unfold in front of him in a haze, the bustle of voices and movement fading into white noise. Almost like a buzzing bee in his head. And there on a loop is the sound of his brother — his little brother — made as the shell fell away from his body. He's not quite sure if it was relief or pain, but it still leaves a bad taste in his mouth. Raph flinches and his fingers twitch. He slowly picks up the damaged battle shell and begins to inspect it.

“Raphael?”

A small, warm hand pressing against his side startles him from the hurricane that is raging inside his head and he flinches, taking a step back from the exam table. Raph manages to look down and see Splinter gazing back up at him.

“Well done,” Splinter says kindly, patting Raph on the forearm. He appears proud and relieved, but there’s still concern written on his face. “Set the shell aside, Red. There is still work to be done.”

The cogs in his brain slow for a brief moment but as soon he looks down at the heap of scrap metal in his hands, and the memory of what happened comes flooding back. Through the deep gouges, Raph can see the cold concrete of the med bay floor. The metal backing is completely scrapped, pushing outward and through the thick padding meant to protect Donnie’s actual shell.

Raph winces, the thought of how upset Donnie was going to be when he learns the fate of his beloved battle shell.

And there he sees it under the lights — the tips of the twisted metal are red with blood. 

Donnie's blood.

His baby brother's blood.

An image of Shredder snarling at him strikes across his mind — it cuts to Shredder standing over Donnie and slicing through his battle shell — he hears Donnie screaming — and Raph wants to throw up.

“Red?” Splinter says again.

His father’s voice falls on deaf ears.

The battle shell in Raph’s hands clatters to the floor again and he sprints out of the room.

“Red!” Splinter shouts. He spins to Leo, Mikey, and April. “You three, watch over Purple. Keep applying pressure until the bleeding’s stopped. I will not be gone long.” With a nod, he then disappears out of the room, leaving the trio to stand over Donnie’s prone body.

Mikey blinks, still holding a towel to Donnie’s wounds, and looks to Leo. April looks like she’s ready to drop.

“Now what?” he asks.

“We keep Donnie alive,” Leo responds. He checks Donnie’s pulse again, relieved that it’s steady, but the blood loss still worries him. Donnie’s skin is too pale and he’s already lost too much blood. He knows that if Donnie doesn’t get fluids in his system, he’ll be a goner; and he wasn't going to let that happen. Leo nods and gets to work on grabbing the IV pole and retrieving an IV bag from the mini-fridge. He’s grateful they still have a few spare bags to use.

“Apes, get in the third drawer from the bottom. There should be some needles I can use for the IV,” Leo says. “Look for a bright green one.” He starts working on hooking the IV bag to the pole while April steps away from her post at Donnie’s side to retrieve the needles.

Mikey continues to apply pressure to Donnie’s shell, carefully lifting the towels to check on the blood flow. He whimpers as the towel comes away bright red. The blood flow is steady and concerning. He looks up at Leo who is working hard on fixing a tourniquet on Donnie’s arm.

“I’m scared, Leon,” Mikey says.

“Hey, hey, don’t be scared, Miguel,” Leo replies, flashing his younger brother a reassuring grin. He ties off the tourniquet and smiles at his handiwork. “Donald will be fine and back to his annoying self before you know it.”

“Got the needle!” April shouts, stumbling over to hand Leo the bright green needle. Leo uncaps the needle and starts to work on finding a vein. He taps his finger against Donnie’s forearm and grins when he finds the vein. Despite being mutants, he’s always been grateful for the fact that they have strong veins. It definitely made his job a lot easier. 

Leo swallows and reaches down to pull Donnie’s arm close to him when he hears a growl. And it doesn’t exactly sound all too human — and it definitely didn’t sound like Donnie either. The blood in his veins turns to ice. He hears the growl again and he’s not sure if he should even look up. Gulping, he slowly brings his head up and locks eyes with Donnie who is clearly wide awake, eyes open, and lips pulled back into a snarl.

“Oh fuck me,” Leo whispers.

_“DONNIE!”_

* * *

Raph barely makes it to one of the trash cans on the lower level before he promptly vomits, violently coughing and crying. Hot tears spill out of his eyes. He coughs a few seconds, not even reacting to the sound of pattering feet coming up behind him. There’s a hand against his shell, rubbing small circles, and a soft voice saying his name. He wipes his mouth with the back of his hand and rolls away from the trash can. The hand at his back comes to rest on his shoulder. He sniffs and presses his head against the wall of the lair.

“Raphael,” Splinter murmurs. “You must breathe. Your brother will be fine. Give yourself a moment — it is okay, my son.”

“I can’t — ” Raph whimpers. “I did this to him. This is my fault. It’s all my fault, Pops — ” His voice is weak, and it comes out broken and hoarse. He chokes on a sob.

The sound of Donnie crying out in pain forever plays on a loop in his head. The blood on his hands forever stained. Raph curls his hands into fists and presses them tightly against his head. He doesn’t feel okay. His skin feels itchy and tight. He wants nothing more than to claw at the feeling and make it go away before it swallows him whole.

“Breathe, Red,” Splinter quietly murmurs, and Raph becomes fully aware of how shallow and short his breathing has become. “This was not your fault. You and your brothers are safe. We are safe and we are home.”

Raph nods. Splinter’s right, he’s always right.

“Your brother is alive because of you.”

Splinter’s tiny hands settle atop his own and Raph slowly lifts his head up to meet his father’s eyes. There are tears in his eyes, but he isn’t crying. Raph knows he’s doing it to be strong for them — all of them, but the hurt and pain is written all over his face. He knows that seeing Donnie lying on that table covering in his own blood is doing something to him too.

“You have done enough, Raphael. You can rest.”

The word ‘enough’ hangs heavy in the air, and Raph couldn’t help by wonder — was it enough? Was everything they’ve been through enough? Hell, was it even worth it? Taking on a Dark-Armored Draxum? Then Shredder coming back? And Donnie getting attacked and ripped to pieces? And now — his brother is lying on an exam table and bleeding out from wounds that should’ve been on his shell. Not Donnie’s — it should’ve been him.

It should've been him.

“It should’ve been me, Pops. I should’ve protected him,” Raph cries. Fat tears roll down his cheeks, staining the edge of his mask. He sobs, “I’m the leader of the Mad Dogs! It’s my job to protect them! I’m the big brother! The one who is the biggest, remember?”

“Oh, my son, you do not have to shoulder that burden alone,” Splinter says. “You are brothers. Equals. And you protect each other.”

“Pops, I — ”

“I know.”

_“DONNIE!”_

Mikey’s surprised cry startles them both. Raph’s eyes widen and his blood goes cold in his veins. Something’s wrong; very, _very_ wrong. He scrambles to his feet and races back to the med bay with Splinter right at his heels. He skids to a stop outside the room and sees Mikey, April, and Leo all equally struggling to hold Donnie down without doing any more damage to his shell. The IV pole is properly secure with the IV bag, but the needle meant to give the fluids to Donnie is on the ground and uncapped. Splinter rushes inside and snatches the needle before anyone else gets hurt and tosses it in the sink.

“What’s goin’ on?” Raph shouts. “What happened?” He rushes over and grabs hold of Donnie’s arms, pinning him to the table.

“I don’t know!” Leo calls out. He grunts as Donnie’s leg catches him in the plastron. “Hey! Watch it!” Leo scowls and jumps to pin Donnie’s legs to the exam table. “We were cleaning him up, I was gonna get an IV going — he just woke up and starting thrashing!”

Underneath them, Donnie snarls and tries to wriggle himself free. 

“LET. ME. **GO**!”

“Do you guys have anything to, gee, I don’t know? Calm him down?” April asks, leaning over to help Leo keep hold of Donnie’s legs. She yelps, narrowly taking a foot to the chin. “Hey, cool it, Donnie! We’re trying to help you!”

Donnie growls again, eyes flashing.

**“NO!”**

Raph clenches his teeth. “I don’t think he can hear us!” he says.

“GET OFF ME!” Donnie screams.

“So, how do we stop him before he hurts him further?” April asks. She yelps again as a foot narrowly misses her face. "I'd rather not take a bat to your dumb brother's head!"

“His Tranq-Gun!” Mikey shouts.

Before anyone has the chance to say anything, he quickly disappears from the med bay, running straight to Donnie’s lab (often a place forbidden to the brothers), and scours the lab for the same tranquilizer gun they had plans to use on Bullhop that one time. He tosses various pieces of Donnie’s many projects aside and eventually finds the tranq-gun hiding under a purple tarp. Grinning, Mikey takes the tranq-gun and sprints back to the med bay where he finds everyone is still struggling to hold Donnie down.

“I got it!” Mikey laughs, holding the tranq-gun in the air.

“SHOOT HIM!” Leo shouts. Donnie lands a decent kick to Leo’s arm, causing him to yell in pain. He shoves down harder on Donnie’s leg, causing the other turtle to cry out. “Now, Mikey! Make it count!”

Mikey looks down at the tranq-gun and fear sinks into his skin. He grips the tranq-gun so tightly, his knuckles grow white.

“I — I can’t,” Mikey mumbles.

“Mikey!” Leo growls, his tone sharp and short.

“I don’t wanna hurt him!” Mikey cries. There are tears in his eyes. Raph can see the internal battle of guilt and fear wreaking havoc on Mikey’s brain. His heart clenches at the sight of his brother struggling to decide what to do next.

“It’s okay, Mikey!” Raph says. He dodges an elbow to the jaw. “You got this!”

“I can’t!” Mikey sobs. “I can’t do this to him! He’s my brother!”

“Yes, you can! We’re right with you, Mikey,” April says. Her eyes are shining with tears. She’s struggling with this just as much as he is. “We need you, okay? Donnie needs you! It’s gonna be okay, I promise!”

Mikey swallows, tears pricking at his eyes. He nods once and sniffs.

“‘m sorry D,” he says.

He wipes away the tears with the back of his hand and exhales shakily. He lifts the tranq-gun, trains it on his thrashing brother, aims — and fires. The dart shoots out and hits Donnie right in the shoulder. He gasps before lurching forward and collapsing onto the exam table. Leo scrambles to remove the dart and checks Donnie’s pulse. To their relief, he’s breathing and out cold. 

“Nice shot, Mikey,” Leo murmurs.

April and Raph slowly step away from Donnie and look to Leo who looks like he’s ready to collapse himself. Splinter touches Donnie’s cheek and sighs. They all look to Mikey who is still holding the tranq-gun. He looks horrified. Splinter turns away from Donnie and pries the tranq-gun from Mikey’s trembling hands. Sniffling, Mikey brings his hands to his face, scrubbing at his eyes. He lets out a wail and immediately retracts into his shell, dropping to the floor. 

“Oh, Mikey,” Raph whispers. 

His heart breaks at the sound. He can feel his own tears coming. He walks over to Mikey and picks him up, cradling him to his chest. He looks over to April who has a hand to her mouth and is trying to fight off her own tears. Splinter looks defeated and heartbroken. And Leo has his head bowed and turned away. They stand quietly in the med bay, the only sounds being Donnie’s steady breathing and Mikey’s muffled cries. 

“Now that the worst is over, would someone care to explain what happened here?” Splinter asks smoothly. His gaze flickers to Leo. "Blue?"

Leo sighs and rubs his eyes.

“When you left, everything was fine. Donnie was asleep, or so I thought he was,” he mutters. He gestures to the IV bag and its stand in the corner. Even with their limited equipment, it was always nice to have a friend in the medical supplies business who was willing to look the other way. He folds his arms over his plastron. His mind flickers back to the growl that came out of his twin. He flinches and resumes his story. “I was just gonna start an IV drip on him since he’s lost a lot of blood, but the second I grabbed his arm, he woke up and — well, here we are.”

“Is he okay?” Raph asks.

“For now,” Leo replies. He folds his arms over his plastron. “His pulse is normal, and with the tranquilizer in his system, he’ll be out for a while. I should finally be able to get that IV started on him and then we should be able to stitch him up no probbles.”

“No, you need to rest,” Splinter says.

Leo scoffs. “But Pops — ” he protests.

“No arguments. You and your brothers are to rest, understood?” Splinter snips. Leo shuts his mouth and clenches his jaw. He looks down at Donnie and then back to his father. “I will stay here and watch over Purple. And April, you are more than welcome to stay the night if you would like.”

“Thanks Splints,” April smiles. She pats Leo on the arm and it lingers there for a moment. He responds by dropping a hand over hers and squeezes it gently. “C’mon boys, let’s go get some shut-eye.”

Reluctantly, Leo follows April and Raph (who is still carrying Mikey) out of the med bay, leaving their father alone with their brother. Splinter sighs heavily and then slowly turns to Donnie, lying prone and unconscious on the table. He fishes out a new needle and proceeds with administering the IV. He waits a few moments and watches as the IV drip begins to work. Once finished, he places a clawed hand on Donnie’s cheek and closes his eyes.

“Wake soon, Donatello,” he whispers. “Your brothers need you.”

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for taking the time to give the chapter a read! 
> 
> see you all next time!
> 
> \- natalie


	4. the medic

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and we are back again with another angst-filled chapter! 
> 
> this is a pretty leo-centric chapter despite the main focus falling on donnie-boy. and boy was it a doozy to write. i had to listen to so many sad songs to get myself in the right mindset to write this. 
> 
> thanks again you all for taking the time to read, leave a kudo, and comment! i love reading your comments and they make me inspired to write more!
> 
> enjoy the chapter and we will see you all next time!
> 
> \- natalie
> 
> tw: mentions of nightmares (current and past), mentions of PTSD, anxiety, injury, etc.

* * *

For as long as Leo could remember, he’s always been the team’s medic. There hasn’t been a time where he wasn’t patching up his brothers in some way, shape, or form. He remembers when they were little and how he would always be there with band-aids and Neosporin at the ready if someone scraped their knee, got a cut, or twisted an ankle. 

For Christmas, he’d ask for new first aid kits, medical books, and plenty of lollipops for Mikey. And for a couple of birthdays, he’d ask for new bandaids and bandages. Purple ones for Donnie, bright-colored ones for Mikey, and teddy-bear and kitten patterned ones for Raph. 

As they grow older, he’s right there with gauze, Neosporin, and an ice pack when Donnie accidentally burns himself while working on another project. He’s there when Raph goes a tad overboard with the smashing and busts his knuckles up so bad that Leo has to wrap them for the 3rd time that week. And he’s there when Mikey takes a bad tumble on the skateboarding ramp and twists his ankle. 

Despite not being the oldest or the leader, he’s always been there for his brothers when they needed him most. And right now, the one who needs him most of all was lying unconscious on a metal table and he’s lying in his bed wide awake. 

Leo heaves a sigh. The 4th one in a row, he recounts. 

He rolls onto his side and glares at the glowing red lights of his clock: _2:14 a.m._ He recalls arriving at the lair just shortly after 11 p.m. and by the time they’d taken care of Donnie, it was well past 1 a.m. Leo angrily huffs and flops back onto his back, draping an arm over his eyes. He knows he’s going to be able to sleep tonight. Not after everything that’s happened to them. And he’s sure that he’s not the only one awake in the lair.

“Leo?” 

_point made._

Leo sighs, sits up in his bed, and looks up to find Mikey standing in the entrance. He quirks a brow ridge and senses that something is off about his youngest brother. He draws his knee up to his chest and cocks his head to the side. 

“You okay, Miguel?” he asks, faking a yawn. 

“I — I couldn’t sleep,” Mikey mumbles. He looks small in his bright orange pajamas. He has a pillow in one hand and his favorite orange blanket in the other. He shuffles on his feet, rubbing the back of his leg with his ankle, and bites his lip. “Can I stay here tonight?” he asks. 

“Yeah, sure,” Leo says. “Plenty of room for two.” He scoots over and pats the spot next to him. 

Mikey eagerly scrambles over and climbs onto the bed. He sits there a moment, hands curled in his lap and his head bowed. 

“What’s buggin’ ya, mi hermano?” Leo asks. 

“Bad dream,” Mikey sighs. 

Leo nods, knowing full well what Mikey is feeling. After Draxum dropped him off the side of that building, he had some crazy dreams for a couple of weeks before he finally talked to their father about them. Of course, he never really told his brothers what was going on — and he still hadn’t to this day. Maybe it was a pride thing. Maybe it was just the fact that he didn’t want to look weak. 

Sighing, he reaches out and places a hand on Mikey’s shoulder. 

“You wanna talk about it?” he asks. “Might help if ya did.”

Mikey shrugs and brings both his knees to his chest. He props his chin on his knees and buries his face. Leo sits there a moment, waiting for Mikey to gather up the courage to talk about whatever was bothering him. As the seconds tick by, Mikey finally reveals his face and even in the dark Leo can hear how broken Mikey sounds. 

“I keep seeing Shredder,” Mikey whispers. 

_ah, there it is._

Leo grips Mikey’s shoulder tighter and jolts when Mikey throws his arms around his middle, burying his face into his plastron. Leo can feel Mikey’s body starts to shake and sobs wrack his body. He shuts his eyes, sighing and wraps his little brother in a tight embrace and simply holds him. 

“It’s like — every time I close my eyes, I keep seeing his face,” Mikey cries. “I keep seeing his face and he just — I don’t — _hic_ — I don’t know why though. I should be fine, right? — _hic_ — I mean, I hit the guy with a ship, Leo! A SHIP!”

“I know, I know,” Leo says with a shaky laugh. “April told me about the ship. Kinda pissed I missed it.” 

“It was so cool too,” Mikey whimpers. “but, it didn’t — it didn’t stop ‘im. I thought — ”

“Hey, hey, take it easy, little bro,” Leo says. He tightens his arms around Mikey and chuckles, “You hit Shredder with a ship, and that in itself is pretty damn oar-some.”

Silence fills Leo’s room, and he waits for the joke to register. Mikey slowly looks up at Leo and the two stare at one another before cracking up into fits of laughter. Leo can’t help but grin. He knows they all their own way of dealing with stress. Raph would get panicky and a little… well, weird (i.e. Savage Raph™). Donnie would become eerily quiet and one of his eyes would usually start to twitch. And he would always be the one to crack back with a witty one-liner or pun.

But Mikey, he was different. He was still young and was still figuring out things for himself. 

“You’re so dumb, Nardo,” Mikey sniffs, once the laughter has subsided and they’ve gotten ahold of themselves.

“But I made ya laugh, didn’t I?” Leo grins. 

Mikey scoffs and shoves Leo to the side. 

“Consider it a pity laugh,” his little brother responds. 

The two fall in comfortable silence and Leo taps his fingers on his knee. He looks down at Mikey and sucks in a deep breath. _well, no time like the present,_ he muses. 

“I have nightmares too, ya know,” Leo says. 

Mikey sniffs and leans back, wiping his eyes with the back of his sleeve. He blinks several times and cocks his head to the side. 

“You do?”

“Yeah,” Leo says. He huffs and rubs his eyes. _boy, this is definitely a lot harder than it looks. H_ e clears his throat. “You - uh, you remember that time I fell off that building, and Raph caught me?” 

Mikey nods.

“I, uhm, I had nightmares for a while afterward,” Leo confesses with a nod. “Still do, from time to time. Sometimes — ” He pauses, still figuring out how to proceed with his story. He hums and closes his eyes. “ — sometimes, Raph doesn’t always catch me. And I wake up just as I hit the ground. And sometimes I’m not the one falling. Sometimes, it’s you, Donnie, or even Raph that’s fallin’ off that building and I can’t save you guys… and I just — ”

Leo sighs and digs his fingers into his blanket. Mikey’s shoulder bumps his, a reassuring gesture. 

“Is that why you can’t sleep sometimes?” Mikey asks. 

Leo shakes his head, and bumps his shoulder against Mikey’s, a smile breaking across his lips. 

“Nah, that’s just the insomnia,” he responds. _but the nightmares don’t exactly help either._

“Do they ever go away? The nightmares?” Mikey asks quietly. 

“Not really,” Leo says with a shrug. “But you learn to deal with them and cope. Sometimes talking about it is the first step to learning to live with them.”

“So, what did you do?” Mikey asks again. “To get rid of the nightmares?”

Leo pauses and hears the mocking whisper of, _who said they ever went away?_ He quickly shoves the thought to the furthest reaches of his mind and doesn't answer his brother’s question. He pats Mikey on the shoulder.

“Story for another night, Miguel,” he says. “Now, why don't we try to get some sleep, alright?”

Mikey pouts, dragging out his ever famous “puppy dog eyes” and whines, “Will you rub my shell like Pops used to do?”

Leo scowls and huffs, “Only if you promise to get some sleep, bro.”

"Okie-dokie!” Mikey says, flashing Leo a grin. He crawls under the blankets, tugging his own close to his chin, and shuts his eyes. 

Rolling his eyes, Leo drops a hand to his brother’s shell and starts rubbing it, just like Splinter did when they got scared or sick. He can hear Mikey hum and bury himself further into the bed. He listens to the gentle rise and fall of Mikey’s breaths and before long, he’s fast asleep. 

Time ticks by and eventually, Leo takes his hand away from Mikey’s shell and glances over to his clock. _2:46 a.m._ By now, Mikey’s legs are tangled in both his and Leo’s blanket, mouth open and snoring. While Mikey isn’t as loud as Raph or Splinter, Leo doesn’t really mind. 

There's a gnawing feeling in the pit of his stomach. He feels bad for lying to Mikey, but he's not too sure if his baby brother is ready for such a conversation. 

Leo lays back down on his bed, propping an arm behind his head, and stares up at the ceiling. He hears Mikey shift, rolling onto his side to where his shell is to him. He closes his eyes a moment and tries his best to fall asleep, but he knows that sleep won’t come tonight. Sighing, he sits back up and gingerly crawls out of his bed, careful not to wake Mikey, and slips out of his room. 

He walks down a ways before he pauses just outside Donnie’s bedroom. He holds his breath and takes a quick peek inside. He finds it surprisingly empty. He frowns and steps back. He knows their Pops is still with Donnie and he can hear Raph’s snoring from across the atrium, which means April is in one of a few places. He checks Donnie’s lab first and the arcade, and then ventures towards the kitchen; a more logical and likely choice. 

Leo pokes his head into the kitchen and finds April sitting at the island and munching on what appears to be a cheese sandwich. She’s dressed in black sweats, an oversized purple hoodie (Donnie’s if he had to guess), and her hair is pulled back into a simple bun. 

“Figured I might find you here,” Leo greets. 

April rolls her eyes and takes another bite of her sandwich, wipes away the crumbs, and quirks a brow. 

“You couldn’t sleep either?” April muses.

“Insomnia’s a bitch,” Leo says simply, striding into the kitchen. 

“Ah,” she hums. 

He goes straight to the Keurig (a Christmas gift from April 2 years ago to help both his and Donnie’s raging caffeine addiction) and starts making himself a cup of coffee. He strides over to the fridge to retrieve his favorite caramel flavored coffee creamer and snags the sugar dispenser from the island. He wanders back to his coffee and combines the creamer and sugar (both in heavy doses) before taking a long sip of the drink and humming in satisfaction. He switches off the Keurig and leans against the counter. 

“What kept you up?” Leo asks, looking at April over his mug. A smirk graces his lips and there’s a hint of mischief in his eyes. “Was it Raph’s snoring?”

“No,” April scowls, rolling her eyes. She polishes off her sandwich in a few short bites and then waltzes over to the Keurig to make her own coffee. She pulls out a bright yellow mug with sunflowers on it from the cabinet. “‘sides, my dad snores louder than both Raph and Splints combined.”

“So, what’s keeping you up so late?” he asks again. 

“I’m just worried about Donnie,” she replies. “I mean, Donnie’s been thrown around a bunch of times but this — ” 

April hesitates. Sighing, she quickly finishes making her coffee and takes a long sip of it. Like Donnie, April always preferred her coffee black — no cream, no sugar, and no-frills. She taps her fingers on the mug and looks up to meet Leo’s gaze. Her brows furrow and lips purse.

“Wow, now that I’m looking at you, you do look like you’re ready to drop dead,” she winces. 

Leo nearly spits out his coffee and glares at her. He stares her down and narrows his eyes. 

“Donnie’s bluntness has really rubbed off you, hasn’t it?”

April grins, giggling over her mug and then sticks her tongue out at him. The two share a laugh and return to their coffee in silence. While the kitchen is silent, Leo can sense that someone else is not far from them. He tenses and prepares to stand when he sees Raph freeze at the door.

“What are you two doing up?” Raph asks. 

“Couldn’t sleep,” April answers for the two of them. 

“Gotcha, so, where’s Mikey?” Raph asks, looking around the kitchen for their youngest brother. “Figured he’d be with you guys.”

“In my room,” Leo says. “He couldn’t sleep, so I let him bunk with me for the night."

“Is he okay?” Worry lingers in Raph’s voice. 

Leo hesitates and sighs, sipping at his coffee again. 

“He had a nightmare,” he explains. “Kept seeing Shredder, so I stayed with him till he fell asleep. But don’t worry, bro, Mikey’s fast asleep and sleeping like a baby.”

“So much for small favors,” Raph mutters. He pinches his snout, nostrils flaring. His hand falls limp at his side and his shoulders droop. He looks like he hasn’t slept either, but hey, who could blame him?

 _oh boy, here we go again,_ Leo huffs. _raph_ _’s gonna get sad and start blaming himself again. why am i not surprised…_

“This is all my fault,” Raph murmurs, head hanging low. “I should’ve been there to protect ‘im. I just — I wasn’t fast enough.”

Leo bites back the growl from escaping his throat. He watches as April sets down her mug and walks over to comfort Raph. Leo looks down at the mug in his hands and shuts his eyes. 

“Raph, Shredder would’ve crushed you guys either way,” he says. 

“Leo,” April warns. 

Leo’s fingers curl around his mug in a tight grip. “I’m serious! Shredder would’ve taken all of you out,” he snaps. His eyes go straight to Raph. “But, hey, if you wanna blame someone, then blame me, alright?” He laughs and continues to tighten his hold around the mug. His voice starts to raise as he growls, “You said it yourself. I split up the Mad Dogs, remember? It was my idea to go to the Hidden City and get that collar. I — I wasn’t there when you guys needed me, and now Donnie’s — ” 

_crrack!_

The coffee mug shatters in Leo’s hands, causing him to yelp and drop the remains to the ground. The kitchen grows silent. April's face is written with concern and sympathy. And Raph looks like he just got scolded by Splinter. He clenches his fists and shuts his eyes. He wasn’t going to lose it in front of Raph; he’s better than this. He slowly uncurls his fists and opens his eyes to look down at his hands. He’s got some minor cuts that are bleeding but none of them require stitches. 

“Leo, you’re bleeding,” April’s voice cuts through the tension like a knife. Ever the voice of reason, she slowly walks up to Leo, tip-toeing around the broken remains of the mug, and drops a hand on his wrist. “C’mon, let’s get you cleaned up. Raph, can you — ?”

“Already on it,” comes the gruff reply. 

April pulls him to the sink and gently helps him wash his hands of the blood with soap and water and wraps them in one of the many dish towels to dry them off. Raph grabs the broom and dustpan to sweep up the shattered remains of the coffee mug and tossing it into the trash. April steps towards one of the cabinets and hauls out a first aid kit, dropping it onto the island. She beckons him toward her and glaring, Leo stalks over to the island. 

“Palms out,” she says.

“I can do this myself, ya know,” Leo reminds her. He was their medic after all. 

“Believe me, I’m aware, but you’re kinda being a bit of an asshole. Now, shut up and lemme help,” April responds. 

Leo rolls his eyes and allows April to work on applying Neosporin to the cuts and placing his personal stash of blue band-aids on them. When she’s finished, she takes hold of Leo’s left hand and holds it tightly. 

“What happened to Donnie wasn’t your fault, Leo. You gotta let that go,” April says. She looks over to Raph and reaches out with her free hand. Raph takes it and gives her hand a firm squeeze. “And it wasn’t your fault either, Raph. What matters now is that Shredder’s gone, and we’re okay. We’re safe, we’re together, and — ”

“I’m gonna stop you right there, Apes, before you go all 'Dr. Feelings' on us,” Leo sighs. “Look, I appreciate the sentiment but I gotta check on Donnie.”

“Leo — ”

Leo ignores Raph’s protest, quickly brushes past him, and out of the kitchen. He can hear April murmuring something to Raph, but he quickly dismisses the pull he feels. 

His eyes immediately look up to the med-bay and can clearly see that the lights are off. He bites his lip and makes the trek towards the med-bay. As he approaches the entrance he lingers a moment outside. He knows his father ordered them to sleep but he can’t. He probably won’t be able to sleep until he’s taken care of his twin. He lifts a hand to knock but his father’s voice startles him, causing him to jump.

“If I am not mistaken, I instructed you to rest, Leonardo,” Splinter says from inside. 

Leo flinches at the mention of his full name, knowing that Splinter only used them when he was upset with them or needed to make a point. 

“Well, are you going to come inside? Or just linger there in the dark?”

Swallowing thickly, Leo steps inside and notices that Donnie is still passed out on the exam table. His father is sitting in the single chair in the med-bay, his back to the entrance. 

“What troubles you, my son?” Splinter asks.

“I couldn’t sleep,” Leo answers. 

Splinter’s ears flatten — displeased and concerned — and his whiskers twitch.

“Is it the insomnia again?” 

Leo doesn’t respond, but Splinter knows that the silence is a direct answer to his question. He sits down next to Splinter, his eyes never leaving his brother’s unconscious form. Donnie’s chest is slowly rising and falling in even breaths, a good sign that he’s finally resting. 

“How is he?” Leo asks.

“Asleep, but he dreams,” Splinter answers. His eyes are closed as if he was trying to get some sleep as well. He hums, slowly opening his eyes, and looks to Leo. His gaze flickers over to the tranq-gun on the counter, and his eyes narrow. “Whatever was in that tranquilizer surely did the trick.”

“Considering it was meant for a mutated human bellhop, it wouldn’t surprise me that whatever Donnie put in it was some strong stuff,” Leo says. 

“Hmm, what happened to your hands?” Splinter hums. 

Leo looks down at his band-aid covered hands, flexes them, and sighs, “Got into an argument with a coffee mug.”

“I take it the coffee mug won?” There’s a hint of humor lingering in his father’s voice. Leo forces himself to crack a smile and nods. 

“Yup.”

Silence falls between them and Leo still can’t tear his eyes from Donnie. He draws both his knees to his chest. Splinter sighs and rises from his chair. He cracks his back with a few twists and pats Leo on the shoulder.

“I am going to make some tea, will you watch him for me?” Splinter asks. 

“Sure thing, Pops.”

“Good. I will not be gone long.”

Splinter quietly disappears and Leo is left to be alone with his twin. 

"And here I thought twins were supposed to feel each other's pain," Leo murmurs in the quiet.

Sighing, he slowly gets to his feet and walks over to flip on the lights. The lights flicker above him and Leo returns to stand next to the exam table. He checks the IV bag first and notices that the first bag is sitting in the trash, which means Splinter must’ve changed the bag sometime during the night. 

Huffing, Leo walks over to the cabinet and retrieves his trusty suturing kit. He pops the case open and starts gathering up all the necessary items needed for stitching up his brother’s shell: a pair of scissors, sutures, a scalpel, a hemostat, and forceps. He dumps the kit onto the mobile cart and drags the cart over to the exam table. His eyes flicker down to the kit.

The last time he used was on Raph after Draxum dropped him from the building and Raph caught him. Breathless and sore, they climbed off the crushed cars only for Raph to cut his calf on a broken piece of glass. Leo acted quickly as the blood poured down the side of his brother’s calf, ripping off his mask and tying a tourniquet to stop the bleeding. Maskless and still bruised himself, he half-carried, half-dragged Raph to the Tank where he patched him up the best he could until they got back to the lair. It wasn't the first time Leo had used the kit, and it certainly wasn't his last. 

Leo shakes the memory away and pulls back the towels covering Donnie’s shell. To his relief, the bleeding stopped, but he now can’t stop staring at the ruined remains of his brother’s softshell. The jagged claws had done a significant amount of damage to Donnie’s shell, but by some kind of miracle didn’t puncture his lungs or any other vital organs. He wants to scoff; Donnie caught a lucky break. 

He knows that he should wait for Splinter, but he’s always considered himself to be an impatient turtle. 

“You know, being the hero is sort of my job, Don,” he mutters aloud. “You’re the brains guy. Mikey’s the wildcard. Raph’s our punchy guy — and me? I’m the face man!”

Leo knows Donnie won’t be able to respond, so he just keeps going. He removes the towels and tosses them into the sink. He makes a mental note to do laundry at a later date. 

He prepares the sutures and laughs, “But _no_ , you just had to steal the spotlight, didn’t ya?" He scoffs. "I thought beating me at the Lair Games would be enough to satisfy that fat ego of yours, but nope — had to just go and get your shell shredded, huh?” 

Shaking his head, Leo turns to his brother’s shell and finally takes a hard look at the mess in front of him. Stitching skin back together was easy enough, but this — this was different. This was Donnie’s shell; his twin's shell. His hand hovers over the gaping wounds and fear starts to creep into his veins. Leo quickly shakes the thought from his head and grits his teeth. _No!_ — he can't afford to think like that. 

Donnie can't afford for him to think like that.

His brother needs him.

Leo bites his lip and shuts his eyes. He needs to stay calm and focused. He exhales shakily, opens his eyes, quietly gets to work. 

Calm and focused.

_stitch._

Calm and focused.

_stitch._

Calm.

_stitch._

Focused.

 _stitch._

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> like i said, a doozy!
> 
> thanks again for reading!
> 
> see you all next time!
> 
> \- natalie


	5. it's quiet uptown

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and we are back again with another angst-filled chapter. 
> 
> and yes, i am referencing Hamilton in this chapter because i love that musical and the song, 'it's quiet uptown' fits the overall theme of the chapter. 
> 
> this is more a splinter-centric and raph-centric chapter. it's full of angst, tears, and brotherly love. 
> 
> thanks again for taking the time to read!
> 
> \- natalie

_there are moments that the words don’t reach_

_there’s suffering too terrible to name_

_you hold your child as tight as you can,_

_and push away the unimaginable_

_\- “it’s quiet uptown” from the musical, Hamilton_

* * *

Splinter stares blankly at the sight of Purple with furrowed brows. His gaze flickers over to Red who is holding Orange in his arms and cradling him to his plastron. April looks sad and heartbroken, and Blue looks like he is about to drop from exhaustion. Splinter opens his mouth to speak but no words come out. 

“Is he okay?” Red asks, breaking Splinter from his thoughts. 

“For now,” Blue replies. “His pulse is normal, and with the tranquilizer in his system, he’ll be out for a while. I should finally be able to get that IV started on him and then we should be able to stitch him up no probbles.”

Splinter frowns and shakes his head. 

“No, you need to rest,” he interrupts.

Blue scoffs, appearing shocked and slightly offended. “But Pops — ” 

“No arguments. You and your brothers are to rest, understood?” he says. Splinter places a hand on his chest and continues with, “I will stay here and watch over Purple.” He looks over to April and smiles softly at her. “And April, you are more than welcome to stay the night if you would like.”

“Thanks Splints,” April smiles. Splinter watches as she pats Blue on the arm and it lingers there for a moment. Blue responds by dropping a hand over hers and squeezes it gently. “C’mon boys, let’s go get some shut-eye.”

Splinter watches with a heavy heart as Blue follows April and Red (who is still carrying Orange) out of the med bay. Now alone, Splinter sighs heavily and then slowly turns to Purple, lying prone and unconscious on the table. He fishes out a new needle and proceeds with administering the IV. He waits a few moments and watches as the IV drip begins to work. Once finished, he places a clawed hand on Purple’s cheek and closes his eyes.

“Wake soon, Donatello,” he whispers. His voice cracks. “Your brothers need you.”

About an hour later, the first IV bag is nearly depleted and Splinter carefully changes it out and hooks up a new one. He drops his hand onto the table and looks down at Donnie’s frame. His body is gently falling and rising, a hopeful sight. He brushes his claws against Donnie’s cheek and moves up to rest on his forehead, checking for any signs of a fever. To his relief, there is none. 

“I am so sorry, my son. I should have protected you better,” Splinter muses. 

He takes a seat in the chair across from Donnie’s sleeping form and closes his eyes. He folds his hands into his lap, takes in a deep breath, and begins to meditate. Not long after he’s begun his meditation, Splinter’s ears twitch at the sound of footfalls at the entrance. 

Over the years he’s come to learn how distinctive each of his sons’ footsteps are from one another. Red, being the largest and strongest, was always heavy and he could always hear him coming from two rooms over. Orange was the lightest on his feet — and sometimes even Splinter had to admit that he struggled to hear him from time to time. Purple and Blue, however, had similar footsteps. The only difference was that Splinter could always hear the sound of Purple’s technology clicking and whirling. 

Splinter hums and sighs.

“If I am not mistaken, I instructed you to rest, Leonardo,” he announces.

His son does not answer, but Splinter knows that Blue is just outside the door. He adjusts his position in his chair and knows that if Blue is not going to just come in without being invited. 

He huffs and sighs, “Well, are you going to come inside? Or just linger there in the dark?”

Splinter does not open his eyes as he listens to Blue pad into the med bay. He hears the shuffling of feet and senses the heaviness of anxiety in the air. His whiskers twitch and he hums, acknowledging Blue's presence. 

“What troubles you, my son?” he asks.

“I couldn’t sleep,” comes the response.

There is something in Leo’s voice that makes his ears flatten and his whiskers twitch. His brows furrow. He hums and asks, “Is it the insomnia again?”

Blue doesn’t respond to his question, but Splinter knows that the silence is nothing short of an answer, and confirms his suspicions. He’s known about the insomnia for some time, and it breaks his heart knowing that that was little he could do. He listens closely as Blue settles onto the ground next to him. 

“How is he?” Blue asks quietly. 

“Asleep, but he dreams,” Splinter answers. He hums again, slowly opening his eyes, and looks to Leo. His gaze flickers over to the tranq-gun on the counter, and his eyes narrow. “Whatever was in that tranquilizer surely did the trick.”

“Considering it was meant for a mutated human bellhop, it wouldn’t surprise me that whatever Donnie put in it was some strong stuff,” Blue responds.

Splinter looks down at his son and takes note of the many band-aids on his hands. He quirks a brow — had Blue been hurt during their time in the Battle Nexus? He doesn’t recall Blue mentioning anything…

“Hmm, what happened to your hands?” he asks.

Blue looks down at his band-aid covered hands, flexes them, and sighs, “Got into an argument with a coffee mug.”

“I take it the coffee mug won?” There’s a hint of humor lingering in his father’s voice. Leo forces himself to crack a smile and nods.

“Yup.”

Silence falls between them. Splinter sighs and rises from his chair. He cracks his back with a few twists and pats Leo on the shoulder.

“I am going to make some tea, will you watch him for me?” he asks.

“Sure thing, Pops.”

“Good. I will not be gone long.”

After departing from the med bay and leaving Blue to watch over Purple, Splinter pads towards the kitchen where he finds April and Red standing around the island. His oldest looks withdrawn and guilty, his head hanging low and April has a hand on his forearm. His eyes dart to the trash can where he finds the shattered remains of a coffee mug. 

“What are you two doing up?” Splinter asks. 

“Splints!” April perks up.

“Pops!” Raph’s head shoots up and he immediately jumps into dozens of questions. “Is Donnie okay? What’s going on? What happened?”

“Quiet down you two before you wake all of New York,” Splinter chides. Raph lowers his head and nods. He sighs and walks towards them. “Purple is fine, he is still asleep. Blue is watching him while I make myself some tea.”

“Uh, Splinter, you don’t exactly have a teapot anymore, remember?” April says. She gestures to the empty space where ol’ Skully used to sit. “Dark Armor? Shredder coming back? Anything of that ringing a bell?” 

Splinter’s whiskers twitch. His ears flicker a moment in agitation. He knows April means well, but he doesn’t wish to be reminded of his failure. He failed his ancestors. He failed his family. He failed his sons. He failed —

“I know it’s not the same, Pops, but you could use the Keurig,” Raph suggests with a sheepish smile. 

Splinter hums and narrows his eyes. Red did have a point — although it was not the same, he knew that it was better than no tea at all. 

“Fine, but you boys owe me a new teapot,” Splinter huffs.

“You got yourself a deal, Pops,” Raph sighs. 

Humming, Splinter walks over to the Keurig and begins preparing himself a mug of hot water and retrieving a tea bag from his collection. He is unaware of the quiet exchange occurring between April and Raph, but he can sense Raph’s frustration and panic. Smirking, he removes the hot mug and begins steeping the tea bag, his eyes glancing over his mug. 

“April, why don’t you go back to bed? I wish to speak with my eldest,” he says. " _Alone_."

“Sounds like a great plan, Splints,” April grins. She lets out a yawn and pats Raph on the shoulder who lets out a noise of discomfort. Her voice lowers to a whisper, “You got this, big guy. Don’t worry.” 

“Don’t leave me with him,” Raph whispers back, eyes wide.

"Don't be such a baby, Raph! He's your dad!" April hisses.

"And that's exactly why I shouldn't be left alone with him!"

April rolls her eyes, and Splinter refrains from chuckling. He takes a sip of his tea and smiles. Ah, honey and chamomile with just a hint of vanilla — his favorite. He takes another long sip, watching as April gives Raph a sympathetic look and an encouraging thumbs-up before retreating out of the kitchen.

“Night Splints!” she calls and then, she is gone. 

Now just feet away from his son, Splinter watches as Raph shuts his eyes and groans. 

“You are troubled, Red,” Splinter muses. 

“What gave it away?” Raph sighs. 

Splinter chuckles and taps his nose, but doesn’t say anything. Raph still looks defeated and guilty. Splinter takes another sip of his tea and places the mug on the counter next to him. 

“Come with me, Red. I am going to need your help with something,” Splinter murmurs, motioning for Raph to follow him.

“Whatcha need?” Raph asks, quirking a brow ridge. 

“I need you to carry your brother back to his room,” Splinter responds. “Come. He must be asleep by now.” He beckons Raph forward. Raph swallows and follows Splinter out of the kitchen and the pair start their trip back to the med-bay. 

“Asleep? Are we still talking about Leo? The guy who rarely, if ever, sleeps?” Raph says as they pass through the atrium. 

“You would be correct,” he nods. 

Splinter leads the way to the med-bay and just minutes later, they are standing at the entrance. He pauses and turns to see Raph rooted stiff, his eyes wide and staring at the entrance. His fists are balled tightly and he looks terrified. He frowns and faces his son, his expression softens. He places a hand on Raph’s wrist who flinches at the touch. 

“Raphael?” he questions. 

“I can’t go in there, Dad,” Raph says. “Not after what happened. I can’t — ”

“Red, do you expect me to carry Blue all by myself with a bad back?” Splinter interrupts. 

Raph’s shoulders tense and then relax. He lowers his head and shuts his eyes, murmuring a quiet, “No.” 

“Good, now, come inside.”

Splinter enters the med-bay first and not to his surprise, finds Blue curled up on the floor next to the exam table and fast asleep. He’s snoring, mouth open wide, and Splinter is relieved to see such a sight. He chuckles and hears Red come up behind him. 

“Must’ve passed out when you left,” Raph whispers. 

“No, I suspect that was after he stitched up Purple’s shell,” Splinter says. 

“How do you know he fixed Donnie’s shell?” 

Splinter clears his throat and points to the laid out suture kit on the table. By his estimates, Blue had stitched Purple’s shell not long after he left and when he was finished, sat down and passed out from exhaustion. He quietly steps around Leo and pulls the chair over to where he can climb up and check the status of Donnie’s shell. He smirks when he finds that the shell is stitched up and cleaned. His gaze flickers down to Blue. 

“Leo did a good job,” Raph murmurs. 

“Yes, that he did,” Splinter hums. He gestures to Leo and shoos Raph with a wave of his hand. “Now, go take Blue back to his room and then come back here. I am going to need you for something else.”

Raph nods jerkily and carefully gathers Leo into his arms. He leaves the med-bay and Splinter quietly returns to returning the suture kit to its rightful place. He cleans up the med-bay as best as he can while Red is gone, tidying up the floors and wiping down the counter. When he’s finished, he hears Red’s footfalls and hops down from the chair. Raph walks into the med-bay, rubbing the back of his neck.

“Did Blue wake at all?” Splinter asks.

“Nope,” Raph answers. “He didn’t even stir when I dropped ‘im back on his bed.”

“Hmm, good, good,” Splinter says. “And what of Orange and April?”

“Both asleep in Leo’s room. Got themselves a turtle pile.”

Splinter pulls the chair around and places it in front of Donnie. He claps his hands together and smiles, “Well, I am going to get some sleep. Stay here and watch over Purple.”

Raph sputters and gapes at him, mouth opening and closing like a fish. He stammers, “Pops! Ya can’t be serious! I can’t stay here!” 

“Nonsense, you are more than capable of watching your brother,” Splinter huffs. He waves Raph off, whiskers twitching. He drops a hand on Raph’s arm, giving it a firm squeeze, and smiles again. “You know, someone once told me that sometimes talking has the ability to coma patients faster.”

Raph turns his head away with a huff. 

“Where’d ya hear that, Pops?”

“Your brother,” Splinter replies softly. 

Raph stiffens, causing Splinter’s whiskers to twitch. He removes his hand from Raph’s arm and then looks to Donnie. A fond smile graces his lips and he lets out a shaky sigh. He places a hand on Donnie’s cheek and rubs the pad of his thumb over his son’s skin. His heart sinks into the pit of his stomach. 

“Pops? You okay?”

Splinter nods, sniffing. 

“I am just relieved you boys are safe,” he confesses. He takes his hand away and looks up to Raph. “If you need me, I will be in my room.”

Splinter pats Raph on the arm and disappears once more. 

* * *

With Splinter gone, Raph is alone with his brother and the weight of guilt returns to his shoulders. He heaves a sigh and slowly turns his gaze to the chair. He takes a seat, leaning forward and bracing his elbows on his knees. He sits there in silence for a while, just watching the rise and fall of Donnie’s body. His gaze flickers over to the fallen battle shell and he can’t help but flinch. 

He can still remember how his heart pounded in his chest at the sight of Donnie’s mangled battle shell after Shredder had disappeared at the docks. He shut his eyes and the memory hit him like a ton of bricks…

Flinching, Raph can’t tear his eyes from the battle-shell. He hears a whimper next to him — Mikey. The battle-shell itself was a mangled, jumbled mess of ripped reinforced ally and shredded (no pun intended) mechanical insides. Some of the guts of the shell spill out from three very large gouges, no doubt from Shredder’s claws and Raph feels sick to his stomach. He swallows painfully and sucks in a deep breath…

The memory shifts and he’s holding the battle-shell in his hands and he’s looking _through_ the battle-shell’s remains. He can still remember how sick he felt when he first saw the blood, dripping onto the ground and staining the floor. It's his brother's blood. He swallows, forcing back the bile, and shakes his head. The blood reminds him of his mask and suddenly, he can’t breathe and Raph feels very, very much alone. 

_nope. nope._

_can't think like that raph._

_gotta stay with it._

_snap out of it, raph!_

_SNAP OUTTA IT!_

Raph shakes his head, forcing ripping himself free of his own thoughts, and bites his lip hard. There’s a tang of copper in his mouth and he grips his head with his hands, squeezing tight. 

_“Breathe, Raphael.”_

_“In and out.”_

_“In… out. In… out.”_

Raph lets go of the breath he’s not sure how long he’s been holding and drops his hands to fall limp at his sides. His eyes are still closed but he feels a little more at ease. He swallows and opens his eyes. He looks over to Donnie, shoulders slumping. 

“Ya know, Pops said that if I talk to ya, ya might be able to hear me,” Raph says aloud. He gives his shoulders a shrug and leans back in the chair, creaking under his weight. “Not sure if I believe ‘im to be honest. But how should I know?” He gestures to his brother’s sleeping form. “I mean, you’re the smart one. I’m just the guy who throws a mean punch.”

Raph half expects Donnie to chime in with some witty, sarcastic remark but he’s met with silence, and it hurts even more than he can ever imagine. He drops his head into his hands and shakes them. 

“Gah, what am I doing?” he whispers. 

Grunting, he gets up from the chair and begins to pace. 

“Feel like I’m goin’ crazy here,” Raph says. He spins on his heel, waving his arms frantically above his head. “I mean, how can ya hear me? You’re the heaviest sleeper out of all of us!”

Raph groans and slumps back into the chair. He looks up at the ceiling and shuts his eyes. 

“Welp, ya finally did it Raph. Ya finally cracked and now ya brother is lyin’ there with his shell torn to pieces and it’s your fault… _stupid. stupid. stupid.”_

With a choked sob, Raph slowly bows his head, dropping his head into his hands, and starts to cry. 

“Why can’t I do anything right?” he cries. “I’m the big brother. I’m supposed to protect ya and the others. I’m supposed to protect my family, my friends. I’m not — maybe I’m not cut out to be the leader of the Mad Dogs anymore. This is all my fault. It’s all my fault — Donnie, fuck, I’m so sorry. I’m sorry I let ya down — I should’ve — ”

“Raph, I will literally pay you $20 to shut up and stop playing the blame game,” a new voice groans. 

Raph’s eyes snap open and he looks up to find Donnie cracking an eye open and eyebrows furrowed into a frown. Raph’s eyes widen. He lowers his hands and blinks stupidly at his brother.

“Donnie?”

“Last time I checked that was my name.”

Raph nearly falls out of the chair and scrambles to Donnie’s side. He yelps when he stumbles and drops to his knees. He looks up and meets Donnie’s tired gaze. 

“You’re awake!”

“Brilliant observation, Raphael,” Donnie grunts. He shakily lifts up a hand and points to the cabinet. “Now, will you do me a favor and get me some painkillers? I feel like I just got hit by a truck and I would really like for that feeling to go away, please?”

Raph quickly gets up to his feet and rifles through the cabinets where he finds a bottle of painkillers and twists the bottle open. He hands two to Donnie who swallows them with ease (and no water, the savage) and shuts his eyes again. Raph twists the cap back on and places the bottle on the counter. He shuffles on his feet and bites his lip again. 

Silence falls between them and Raph’s not sure if he should hug Donnie or run away in embarrassment. 

“I’m not mad, you know,” Donnie says. 

“Huh?” Raph asks. 

“I said, I’m not mad at you. Or Mikey. Or Leo,” he responds. Donnie tries to shift on the table but hisses at the movement. He stops himself, not wanting to push himself further, and looks up to meet Raph’s eyes. “None of this was your fault.”

Raph stammers, “But — but I — ”

Donnie rolls his eyes and huffs, “Raph, will you just listen to me? Please?”

Raph shuts his mouth and nods. 

“ _None_ of this was your fault, alright?” Donnie repeats. His voice cracks and Raph’s heart drops to his stomach. He can hear the pain in Donnie’s voice. He flinches as Donnie continues to speak. “You guys — you guys saved me. To be honest, I probably would’ve died from stubbornness if it weren’t for you. You — you really had my shell back there.”

Donnie reaches out and grabs Raph’s hand, giving it a light squeeze. He looks sheepishly at the ground and sighs. 

“Look, you know I’m not good with emotions and that sort of thing, but I just wanna say, — ” Donnie swallows and chokes out, “ — thank you… thanks for saving me... and that — fuck this is harder than I thought — and I just wanna say, I love you, big bro.”

Raph sniffs, the tears already falling down his cheeks. 

“Love ya too, D,” Raph laughs. He wipes the tears away with his free hand, but they keep coming. He kneels down, meeting Donnie’s concerned gaze, and pulls Donnie close for a hug, careful not to touch the fresh stitches. 

Donnie lets out a gasp and the med-bay falls quiet, and just for a little while, the two brothers are able to relish in the silence and comfort of each other’s presence. Raph feels the weight of guilt leave his shoulders and just can’t stop crying. He’s just glad to have his little brother back and safe. Donnie shuts his eyes and fights back the tears. He’s the unemotional bad boy of the family — he’s said it himself multiple times. 

“Ya can let go, D, I got ya,” Raph murmurs. “I gotcha. I gotcha… I promise. Ya can let go, Donnie.”

Donnie feels his heart stutter at Raph’s words. He whimpers, shuts his eyes, buries his face into the crook of Raph’s neck, and finally — _finally_ , he lets go. 

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ho oh boy my friends was that a lot.
> 
> on a good note - DONNIE IS AWAKE!
> 
> thanks for all the kudos, comments, and hits on this fic! 
> 
> next chapter will be the last piece and it is... ROUGH.
> 
> \- natalie


	6. family

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello again friends and happy holidays!
> 
> we are back again with another chapter that is full of family, angst, and pizza. yes, i did say pizza. so this is my present to all my readers!!
> 
> we are now just one more chapter away from the end and i am honestly a little sad that this fic is ending. this has been a very fun project full of tears and heart-wrenching moments. this fic has been such a joy to write and it makes my heart so happy to know so many of you love it. thank you for the love and support!
> 
> and expect more fics in this fandom in the future!
> 
> \- nat  
> 
> 
> warnings: mild language, angst

* * *

“Ya know, everyone’s gonna want to see ya, now that you’re awake,” Raph comments long after they’ve had their little “heart-to-heart”. “You think you’d be up for some company?”

Donnie tries his best to shrug, wincing at the movement and pain shooting up his shell. He hisses from the pain and shuts his eyes. Raph takes notice of this and lays a hand on his arm, gentle and firm. Raph shakes Donnie gently, eyes filled with worry and concern. 

“Hey, you okay, D? Need me to get Pops?” he asks. 

Donnie shakes his head with a grimace and shoots his brother a pained smile. 

“I’m alright, Raph, just stiff and sore. Lying in one position for hours has that effect on some people,” he answers. He shifts his weight, still being mindful of his injuries, and sighs. The pain is still there, lingering like a bad cold. “How’s everyone else?”

“April and Mikey are asleep in Leo’s room,” Raph answers, leaning back in the chair. He folds his arms over his plastron and yawns. He cracks his neck and yawns again. “Pops went back to his room to get some shut-eye. Wanted me to stay here with you.”

“No sense in you sticking around when you should be sleeping too. Go get some sleep, you deserve it,” Donnie says. His lips curl into a smirk. He gestured to the exam table and his current predicament. “It’s not like I’m going anywhere.”

“Ya sure? I don’t mind sticking around,” Raph says. 

“Go, I’ll be fine,” Donnie comments. “Get some sleep.”

Raph opens his mouth but Donnie quick to shoot him down with a look of, ‘Just do me a favor and get some fucking sleep before I have Mikey drug your food later’. Reluctantly, Raph gets up from the chair and rolls his eyes. He pats Donnie on the arm, giving it a firm squeeze before disappearing from the med-bay. And once again, Donnie is alone with his thoughts. Sighing, Donnie shuts his eyes and allows sleep to consume him once again. 

Time goes by quickly for Donnie, and the next time he wakes, he finds Splinter there with a glass of water (and a bright purple straw to which Donnie almost wants to laugh at his father's attempt of making him feel better), and more painkillers in his hands. Before he can even open his mouth to speak, Splinter silences him with a stern look and hands him the painkillers. Donnie huffs, popping the pills into his mouth, and takes a sip of the water to wash it all down.

“How long have I’ve been out?” he asks hoarsely. His eyes flick up to the clock in the corner: 11:21 a.m. it read. 

“A long time, my son,” Splinter replies, climbing up onto the chair. “But you are still healing and need your rest.”

Donnie takes another sip of the water and lays it on the rolling table next to him. “And the others?” he asks, cracking his neck. “Is April still here?”

“No, I sent her home to change and check in with her family. She said she would return later,” Splinter explains, hopping back down. “Orange is preparing lunch, Red is asleep, as is Blue.”

“Woah, Leo’s actually sleeping?” Donnie snickers. He flashes his father a grin. “That’s a first.”

“Purple,” his father chides. 

“Sorry, sorry, couldn’t help it,” he says with a smirk. He lowers his voice and mutters, “Just sounded too good to be true.”

“How are you feeling?” Splinter asks, coming around to his right side with his chair dragging behind him. He settles the chair in a particular spot and then climbs up. He stands on the chair and looks down at Leo’s suture work. It’s clean and precise, just as he had hoped. He hums, impressed. 

“Sore,” Donnie comments below. “But I can’t wait to get out of here and get back to work.”

“Always the eager one, Purple,” Splinter tsks. He climbs down from his chair and stands in front of Donnie. “Your body has been through significant trauma and still needs to heal, Purple. You should not push yourself so hard.” 

He reaches up and places a clawed hand on Donnie’s shoulder. He gives it a firm squeeze and Donnie drops his own hand on top of his father’s. There’s a look in Splinter’s eyes that Donnie’s unable to make out and it bothers him. He cocks his head to the side, his expression concerned. His brows furrow. 

“Dad? What’s wrong?” Donnie asks quietly. 

Splinter shakes his head, patting Donnie’s shoulder. 

“It’s nothing. I am just — I am relieved you are safe,” he answers. Splinter swallows and Donnie sees that his father is fighting back tears. “When Blue and I returned from the Hidden City and I saw you — I feared the worst. I thought — I thought I had lost my son to the Shredder.”

Donnie hears the pain in his father’s voice and he sucks in a deep breath. “Pops — ” he protests. 

“Donatello, I know emotions are — difficult for you,” Splinter says. “I have never been one for them either. I suppose that is something you have learned from me. But know this, my son, I am so happy that you are alive and home.”

Donnie sniffs and forces himself to laugh the tears away. 

“Alright, alright, that one got through,” he says, sniffling. “Stop making me feel things, Dad.”

Chuckling, Splinter reaches out and gently wraps his arms around Donnie’s shoulder, careful of his injuries, and hugs him. Donnie lays his head down on his father’s shoulder, shutting his eyes and sighing shakily. The two enjoy the silence until the unmistakable voice of April booms into the med-bay.

“Hey yo D, you miss me?” she laughs, striding into the med-bay.

She freezes at the entrance, biting her lip, and clears her throat, now seeing Splinter holding Donnie. She falters and sends them both a sheepish smile, chuckling, “Oh, hey, uh, Splints! Didn’t see you there. Am I interrupting something?”

Donnie opens his mouth but Splinter is right there to cut him off. He removes himself from Donnie’s embrace and lays a hand on his wrist. 

“No, it is quite alright, April. I was just leaving,” Splinter says. “You two must have much to talk about. If you no longer need me, I will be watching my shows. Don’t disturb me unless you are either dead or dying.” He looks to Donnie and smiles. Nodding, he leaves the med-bay, patting April on the arm, and disappears again.

Donnie meets April’s gaze and he rolls his eyes. 

“Oh dear me, it is April, the bane of my existence,” he says, shaking his head.

“You know you love me,” April laughs at him, sticking her tongue out him and saunters into the med-bay. 

April’s hair pulled back into her signature style, sporting her favorite green jacket, her laptop tucked under her arm, and a soda in her free hand. She plops down into the chair and flips open her laptop. She takes a long sip of her soda and places it on the counter. 

“So, what was that about?” April asks.

“Dad made me feel things,” Donnie answers. He jerks his head towards her laptop. “What are you working on?”

“And you feeling things is a bad thing, right, right, how could I forget? And for your information, I am working on biology,” April says. “We dissected some frogs a couple of days ago, so now I have to write a paper over it.” 

“Ah, yes, amphibians. Less superior than moi,” he says, gesturing to himself. He scoots closer to take a better look at her laptop, but April is quick to pull the lid down, hiding her paper from view. “You need any help?”

“Nah, just thought I’d stop by and keep you company. See how you’re doing,” she replies. She pushes her glasses up and glances over the top of her laptop. She cocks her head to the side. “I gotta say, you look a lot better, a definite upgrade from yesterday.”

“Well, blood loss has that effect on people,” Donnie replies. 

“ _Soo_ , do you remember anything?” April asks, her tone curious. “Like when we kicked the snot out of Shredder?”

“Not much,” Donnie murmurs with a shrug (at least to the best of his ability). 

He grows quiet at first, unsure of what to say. He sighs and continues, “It’s a bit fuzzy in some places. I remember — I remember the docks. And Shredder, and just — a lot of pain…” He pauses, flinching at the mention of Shredder. He clenches his fist, clearly frustrated, and April slowly reaches out to touch his wrist. Her fingers curl around his wrist and she gives it a firm squeeze. 

“Hey, don’t push it, Donnie,” April says. “You’ve been through a lot. No one is expecting you to jump right back to the swing of things.”

“But I should!” he all but snaps. 

Silence falls between them and Donnie looks down at the floor.

“I just — I just wish I could remember what happened to me,” Donnie huffs. His shoulders slump. He’s always hated feeling useless to his family. They relied on his tech for a lot of their missions. If he couldn’t even take on Shredder without getting his shell torn to actual shreds like some cat going at a scratching post, what good was he to them?

April bites her lip and winces, pulling her hand back. She closes the lid of her laptop and places it on the ground next to her. 

“You sure you wanna know?” she asks again. Donnie looks up at her, hopeful. “‘cause it’s a lot. And it wasn’t pretty either.”

“Just tell me, April.”

“Alright, strap in D. It’s not a pretty story and well, let’s just say that you kinda went a little… well,” she pauses and twirls her finger close to her head. “ _Crazy_?”

“ _Crazy_?” Donnie parrots. His brows furrow and he looks at her pointedly. “That doesn’t sound like me at all.”

“Yeah, well, after we got the battle shell off, you passed out. Raph sorta had a panic attack and left,” April explains. She folds her arms over her chest, leaning back in the chair. “So, Splints went after him and Leo took charge — ”

Donnie’s eyes widen at the mention of his brother. “Wait? Leo took charge?” he repeats, interrupting April’s story. 

April frowns and leans forward, thumping him in the wrist with her finger, causing him to yelp, “Ow!”

“Hey, no interruptions! I’m tellin’ a story here!”

“Sorry, sorry,” Donnie mutters. He gestures for April to go on with a wave of his hand. “Continue…”

April shakes her head, ignoring Donnie’s smirk. 

“ _Anywayy_ … Leo just jumped into ‘medic mode’, got to work on getting the IV going… then that’s when things got a little, well, weird…”

Donnie quirked a brow. 

“Weird, like Mikey-weird? Raph-weird? Or just our average amount of weird?”

April let out a nervous chuckle; and that only made Donnie more curious. His eyes narrowed. Laughing, April quickly grabbed her drink and took a long, _long_ sip, avoiding Donnie’s eyes. She finished her drink, wiping her mouth with the back of her hand and tossing her empty soda can into the trash. 

“You, uh, well — you kinda went crazy,” she says. “Like Savage Raph™ crazy. You woke up, growling and snarling, started lashing out at us, nearly took out Leo’s head a few times, _annddd_ … Mikey shot you with a tranquilizer.” April claps her hands together and smiling, chuckles, “So, yeah. Just your average amount of weird.” 

_Growling?_

_Snarling?_

_Leo taking charge?_

_Mikey shot me… with my … tranq gun? Well, that certainly explains why my shoulder hurts like a mother…_

Donnie’s brain slowly starts to process April’s story, taking in all the information piece by piece. He blinks. Once. Twice. Three times. He opens his mouth to speak and lifts his hand up to say something but no words come out. He meets April’s eyes and notices there are tears in her eyes. 

“April?” he murmurs. 

She sniffs and wipes her eyes, but the tears keep coming. She meets his eyes and Donnie can’t help but flinch. 

“You — you really gave us a scare, Donnie. When your battle shell came off and we actually saw the damage that Shredder had done — let’s just say it wasn’t pretty,” April murmurs, drawing up a knee to her chest. She shuts her eyes and turns her head away. She sniffs, quickly wiping away her tears, and then smiles at him again. “I’m just glad you’re okay. Soon enough you’ll be back to your usual, unemotional, bad-boy self.” 

“Har, har,” Donnie says, rolling his eyes. 

April laughs, the tears finally gone and replaced with smiles and bright eyes. She sighs, holding up her fist. She grins sheepishly at him. 

“Dorky Pals for Life?” she asks.

Donnie snorts and knocks his fist into hers, a smile gracing his lips. 

“Dorky Pals for Life,” he responds. 

There’s a knock at the entrance, and both April and Donnie look up to see a familiar orange-clad turtle poking his head into the med-bay. Donnie can see that his baby brother is hiding something behind his back — and that only makes him more nervous. 

“Hey fam, it’s lunchtime — you guys up for some food?” Mikey asks. He pulls a pizza box from behind his back and wiggles it in front of them. “I brought pizza!”

“Oh please tell me it’s regular pizza,” April pleads, side-eyeing the white and green box with a grimace. “I can’t handle any more tragedies.”

Donnie bites his lip to prevent a snort from escaping. However, April is quick to catch on and she whips around to shoot him a glare. 

“Don’t worry, April,” Mikey says. He flips open the box and reveals a very normal looking cheese (with extra cheese) pizza. “BAM! Cheese pizza with extra, extra cheese _annddd_ _,”_ he sing-songs, “— STUFFED CRUST!”

April claps her hands together and points them at Mikey. She flashes him a smirk and makes grabby hands for the box in his hands.

“Bless you, child, now hand it over,” she says. “Ya girl here has only had a granola bar for breakfast and she’s STARVING!”

Before Mikey has the chance to close the pizza box and hand it over, April snatches it from his hands and flips it open. She snags a slice for herself and dives into the gooey mixture of cheese, sauce, and dough. She wipes her thumb over her lip to wipe away the extra sauce and looks at the two turtle brothers who are staring at her in shock. She swallows her bite and slowly draws the pizza box closer to her chest. 

“I am not apologizing for my behavior,” April states simply. 

“We’re good, Apes,” Mikey says, holding his hands up. “This is a judgment-free lair. Now, quit being a savage and gimme a slice. I worked hard for that pie.”

Rolling her eyes, April hands over the box to Mikey who opens it and takes a slice for himself. He takes a few bites and hops up on the counter, legs swinging out. He finishes off the first slice in seconds and opens his mouth to speak but a _bing_! interrupts them. Both Donnie and Mikey look to April who groans, fishing out her phone, and opens up the notification. 

“Crap,” she swears. 

“Everything okay?” Donnie asks. 

“I forgot I promised Sunita that I would help with Trig homework today,” April mutters. “Sorry guys. I gotta go.” She shoves her phone into her jacket pocket. She snags up her laptop and walks over to kiss Donnie sloppily on the cheek. He groans, waving her off and shooing her away with a glare. “Thanks for the pizza, Mikey! Love you guys!”

And just like, April’s gone, and it’s only Mikey, Donnie, and a still very warm pizza box. Mikey takes out another slice of pizza and starting munching on it, slurping up the oozing cheese. 

“Aren’tcha gonna eat, D?” Mikey asks around a mouthful of cheese, sauce, and pizza dough. 

“Not sure if pizza is wise, Michael,” Donnie says with a huff. 

Mikey swallows, polishing off his second slice, and picks up a third. He dangles it in front of Donnie, in an effort to convince him otherwise. 

“C’mon D, humor me here. You haven’t eaten anything since before we took on Shredder,” Mikey whines. “You gotta be starving.” 

Donnie opens his mouth to speak but a loud grumble interrupts him. He curses his stomach and looks to Mikey who has already pulled out his signature ‘puppy eyes’ and pouting his bottom lip. Donnie rolls his eyes, finally caving into his baby brother’s antics, and snags himself a tiny slice. He starts nibbling on it, opting to take smaller bites on the account of his already sensitive (and empty) stomach. 

Mikey hides his triumphant grin behind his own slice of pizza and digs in. The brothers eat in relative silence, the gentle hum of the fridge the only noise between them. Donnie eats about half of his pizza before he stops and looks up to watch Mikey eat. His stomach is already protesting at this point and he knows he shouldn’t force himself to eat another bite. 

“Here, finish this for me, Michael,” Donnie says. He hands over the half-eaten slice to Mikey who looks down at it confused. 

“But — you need to eat, D,” Mikey says. 

Donnie tries again, pushing the slice towards his brother’s hand. Mikey reluctantly takes the pizza slice out of Donnie’s hand and holds it. The pizza slice is still warm and cheese is oozing into his hand. Mikey bites his lip, tosses the half-eaten pizza slice into the trash and it lands with a heavy thud. The silence that soon follows is deafening. Donnie forces himself to suck in a deep breath and taps his fingers on the exam table. He exhales shakily and glances up at his baby brother.

“April, uh,” Donnie starts to say but stops. He clears his throat, trying to think of the most tactical way of approaching the subject. “She told me what happened — after I, uh, you know…”

There’s a beat of silence and then a mumbled, _“Oh.”_

Donnie taps his fingers on the table again and tries again, saying, “Look, I’m not mad at you, Mikey. You did what you had to do. It — it wasn’t your fault. So don’t go blaming yourself, okay?”

“But I still shot you with a tranq gun!” Mikey cries out. 

Donnie flinches at the harshness in his brother’s voice. He can see tears in Mikey’s eyes and it makes his heart sink to the pit of his stomach.

“Mikey — ”

“ **NO**!” his brother shouts. Mikey shakes his head, his voice cracks. “You don’t get it!” He jumps off the counter and throws his own slice of pizza into the trash. 

“Mikey!” Donnie tries again.

“No! Just stop and lemme talk, I — I — I didn’t want to hurt you!” Mikey sobs, spinning around to face Donnie. The tears are free-flowing and he starts to hiccup. “But you — you started going crazy and I didn’t know — I didn’t know what to do!” he hiccups. “I just didn’t want you to get hurt! I just didn't want you to get hurt...”

Still hiccuping and crying, Mikey hastily wipes his eyes with the back of his hand and the other falls limp at his side. Sighing, Donnie looks at his baby brother’s free hand and his own fingers twitch in response. He reaches out to grab it and takes hold of Mikey’s hand. Mikey stiffens and shoots up to look at Donnie with wide, frightened eyes. 

“Mikey, you made the right decision,” Donnie says calmly. He gives Mikey’s hand a firm squeeze, nodding. “If you hadn’t shot me with the tranquilizer, I would’ve done a lot of harm to the others and probably myself too. So, thank you. You did good, Mikey. You did good.” 

There’s a beat of silence before Mikey sniffs and lets out a wail. He leaps forward, throwing his arms around Donnie’s neck, and cries into the crook of his neck. Donnie grunts from the sudden impact and freezes. He doesn’t know what to do with his hands at first but soon enough he slowly wraps his arms around Mikey’s shell, and holds him there, allowing him to cry until the tears are no more and his sobs have ceased. 

Minutes tick by. Donnie can feel his neck grow wet from Mikey’s tears and he slowly rubs his hand over his brother’s shell, quietly shushing him until Mikey’s stopped shaking and his breathing’s returned to normal. Eventually, Mikey pulls himself away from Donnie’s neck and wipes at his eyes again. 

“‘m sorry I got snot all over ya,” Mikey mumbles. 

“You needed the cry,” Donnie says. He keeps a hand on his brother’s shell. “You okay?”

Mikey nods, exhaling shakily. 

“Yeah, I think so.”

Donnie smirks and pats Mikey’s shell.

“Good, now, let’s finish that pizza before it goes cold,” he says. 

Mikey flashes him a grin, still teary-eyed but it’s something — and Donnie can't help but feel a smile tug on his lips. 

“Deal!”

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> well, my heart hurts now. let me just take my heart out and throw it in the dumpster fire that is my muse. 
> 
> anyways... hope you all enjoyed the chapter!
> 
> see you all soon for the final chapter of 'bloody & torn'! 
> 
> and if you noticed the pattern... we have one more family member who has yet to appear and have their moment with donnie... SO PREPARE YOURSELF!
> 
> \- nat


	7. scars

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and here we are friends -- the final chapter of 'bloody & torn'. boy has this been a journey. i have cried a lot over this fic because of all the angst i've poured into it (no regrets there). but i am so happy to have completed this fic before the new year and i cannot wait to write more fics in 2021! 
> 
> thank you all for being so supportive of this fic! i adore all the comments and kudos this fic has received and it only makes me want to write more for this fandom. 
> 
> enjoy the last chapter and see you all in 2021!
> 
> \- natalie

* * *

The healing process takes longer than Donnie expects, and to be quite honest, he’s not a fan of just sitting around and waiting. He needs to be busy. He needs to be in his lab and working. And after about three days in the med-bay, Donnie is finally able to return to his room but is strictly forbidden from entering his lab until the sutures are removed and Leo gives him the ‘okay’ to resume working on his projects. 

Two weeks go by and finally, _FINALLY_ , Leo removes the sutures and Donnie immediately throws himself into rebuilding all his loss tech. He takes the loss of S.H.E.L.L.D.O.N. the hardest. He sits in his chair and begins sketching out blueprints for the next generation. And for several days, Donnie hardly leaves his lab, only to grab food and drinks, before returning to his lab and locking the doors behind him. 

When Splinter comes by to check on him, Donnie tells him that he has so much work to do, so much he’s missed, and for a while, Splinter allows him to do just that. 

After such a trauma, Donnie needed something familiar — and that was his projects. 

However, it’s only on the 5th day when Raph’s decided he’s had enough of Donnie’s “middle-child nonsense”. He angrily breaks into Donnie’s lab and practically drags his brother out by one of his newly built battle shells, announcing that they are going to have a Jupiter Jim movie marathon. Donnie hisses like a water-soaked cat as Raph pulls him out of the lab. He says that they need to do some more team building and a movie marathon of their favorite science fiction action hero is exactly what they need. Raph tells him that April’s already there with Sunita. And when Donnie is dragged into the TV room, he finds both girls curled up on the floor with enough blankets and pillows for a suitable pillow fort. Raph tells him that Mikey’s working on preparing the snacks, Splinter is grumbling something about missing his shows from his chair, and Leo is — 

— nowhere to be found?

 _odd_ , he muses with a quirked brow. 

_hmm, yes, very odd indeed._

“Hey Raph, where’s Leo?” Donnie asks.

“Topside,” Mikey answers as he comes striding into the room with an armful of snacks. There’s a variety of candy bars, sour sweets, and a massive bowl of popcorn. He deposits them onto the ground and plops down next to Sunita, snatching a blanket from her and wrapping himself up like a burrito. He grabs a handful of popcorn and shoves it into his mouth. “Said he wasn’t in the mood for movies.”

“Okay, I know I got my ass handed to me by Shredder like a month ago but _that_ doesn’t sound like Leo at all. He probably loves Jupiter Jim more than all of us combined,” Donnie mumbles with a frown. He folds his arms over his chest and looks up at the open skylight above them. 

And slowly an idea begins to take form…

“Whatever you’re thinkin’ D, don’t do it,” Raph interrupts, not looking up from hooking up the projector. He smacks the side of the projector and grins when it starts to make a familiar humming noise. He looks up at Donnie to meet his concerned gaze. “Maybe he just wants some time to ‘imself. Not like that ever hurt anyone before.”

“You do realize this is Leonardo we’re talking about?” Donnie says eyes narrowed. He holds his arms over his plastron and continues. “The same Leonardo who frequently gets himself into fights with all of us over the Jupiter Jim costume? The same Leonardo who — ” 

“Alright, I get ya point, Donnie. But this whole thing with Shredder really threw us all for a loop. He could still be comin’ down from it,” Raph says. He motions for Donnie to join them. “C’mon, just sit back and enjoy the marathon. Leo’ll probably join us when he’s good and ready.”

Donnie frowns again and his eyes flicker up again. He still can’t shake the feeling that something is off. He glances over to April who gives him a shrug and wraps her arm around Sunita’s shoulder, pulling her close. Mikey rolls onto his plastron, propping himself on his elbows and focusing in on the screen. Donnie settles onto one of the armrests of Splinter’s lumpy chair and turns his eyes to the screen, but his mind is elsewhere. 

About an hour into the movie, Donnie quietly excuses himself, claiming that he’s going to grab more snacks but he takes a detour and heads topside. He climbs the ladder leading to one of the many familiar manhole covers and pops his head out. Taking in his surroundings, he notes that the streets are quiet, odd for a Friday night, but it’s a plus in his book. He climbs out of the sewer and takes the lowered fire escape up to the roof of the building to his left. When he gets to the top, Leo is not there — but he can’t be too far behind. 

Then, he hears it.

“C’mon! C’mon! OH COME ON! STUPID! GAH! PORTAL!”

Donnie sighs and shakes his head; _found him._

“OH MY GOD! UGH! WHY WON’T YOU _FUCKING_ WORK?”

He jumps to the next building and walks around the water tower and finds the brother he’s been searching for. Leo is holding his ōdachi in a tight grip and there are beads of sweat dripping down the side of his face. Donnie’s brows furrow as he watches Leo’s fingers tighten on his sword and he brings it up in an arching motion. 

“Found you,” Donnie calls out.

“GAH! SON OF A — ” Leo yelps. He spins around, chest heaving, and faces him only to frown and say, “Oh, it’s you.” Huffing, he turns his shell away and continues practicing, asking, “What do you want?”

“There’s a Jupiter Jim movie marathon in the lair and you’re not there to be a part of it,” Donnie observes, leaning back on his heels. “And I found that odd. So, I’ve come to the conclusion that something is bothering you. Besides, don’t think I haven’t noticed the fact that you’ve been avoiding me, Nardo.”

Leo scoffs, offended by such an accusation. 

“I would never avoid you, my dear twin! How can you think so little of me?” he gasps as he swings his ōdachi in a downward motion. 

He brings it back up and tiny bluish-white sparks fly out but no portal appears. Leo growls and tries again, but still — nothing. Frustrated, he lowers his sword with a huff. Sighing, Donnie strides towards him and sits down on the roof’s ledge. He places his arms over his knees and watches Leo with narrowed eyes.

Donnie rolls his eyes and scoffs, “Right, right, and I’m the Shredder’s son. You can’t avoid me forever, brother dearest.” He frowns. “We live together, remember?”

“Now, who said anything about avoiding you, Donnie-boy?” Leo says, his shell still to Donnie. “That hardly sounds like me!” He twirls his sword in his hand in large swooping motions. Sparks crackle but still no portal.

Donnie’s brows furrow at the question. He holds up his fingers and one by one, counts them down. 

“Oh, well, let’s see. Every time I walk into a room that you happen to be in, you immediately get up and leave. You don’t even come into my lab anymore. You avoid my room — I mean, you’re literally not even making eye contact with me right now!” he snaps. 

“I’ve seen you plenty of times, D,” Leo comments. He lowers his voice to more of a grumble but Donnie is quick to hear his brother say, “Think I’ve got that ugly mug of yours memorized by heart.”

“ _Indignant huff_ , I’m not exactly in the mood for your humor, Leo,” Donnie says. 

“Well, too bad because I have a lot more coming your way if you keep this sorry excuse of an interrogation of yours up,” Leo snorts. He swings his ōdachi and sparks fly once more, but still no portal. He lets out a frustrated groan and tightens his hold on his sword. 

Donnie quirks a brow.

“Leo,” he says. “Why are you avoiding me?”

Leo rolls his eyes and scoffs, “What? That big brain of yours still hasn’t figured it out yet?”

“Okay, that’s a tad harsh.”

“Look, I don’t need _you_ to remind me of my failure, Donnie!” Leo shouts.

“Failure?” Donnie asks. His brows furrow, confused and concerned. He slowly rises to his feet and continues to press Leo for more information. “What are you talking about, Leo? What failure?”

Leo shakes his head, clearly frustrated and angry. 

“Just shut up and leave me alone, D!”

“NO! I’m not letting you shut me out, okay! Only I’m allowed to be the broody one — not you!” Donnie shouts, becoming defensive. He stalks up to Leo and reaches out to grab his brother by his shoulder. “I’m not leaving until you tell me what’s going on with you!”

Before Donnie can even rest his hand on Leo’s shoulder, Leo violently rips his shoulder away and whirls around to face Donnie, eyes flashing with anger. 

“How can you be so smart and so dumb at the same time, bro? I mean, this isn’t rocket science or something! Don’t you get it?” he snarls. He sheaths his sword across his back and shoves Donnie backward with a growl. Donnie stumbles but catches himself from falling. “Oh wait, I totally forgot!” Leo laughs, thumping himself upside the head. He shakes his head and points at Donnie. “You’re fucking terrible with emotions and reading people! My mistake! Should’ve known you wouldn’t be able to figure this all out!”

Donnie flinches at the harshness of Leo’s tone. 

“Okay, starting to sting a little,” he mumbles. 

“Oh, _now_ it’s starting to sting? HA! You think that’s all I’ve got?” Leo snorts. His lips curl into a cruel smirk. “Buckle up, brother because boy do I have some news for you. You know, every single day I’m reminded of my _fucking_ failure! My failure to protect my family! To protect my brothers! To _fucking_ _protect_ _you_! And you just stand there like nothing ever happened!” 

“Protect me? What are you — ” Donnie blanches. 

_— “my failure to protect my family! — to protect my brothers — to fucking protect you!” —_

He blinks a moment and then it clicks. 

_fuck, i’m an idiot._

His hand reaches up to his battle-shell and it all starts to make sense. The reason why Leo’s been avoiding him. Why he won’t even look or talk to him. The reason why he’s been blaming himself this whole time — and he was just too wrapped up in his own work to see the pain in his brother’s eyes. 

_Fuck,_ he really was an idiot. 

He watches at Leo’s eyes flicker to the ground, unable to even look at him; and Donnie’s own lips turn into a frown. He presses down on the release button and with a quiet hiss, his battle-shell falls to the ground. Donnie takes a step towards Leo, eyes still narrowed and trained on his brother. He spins around, turning his exposed shell to his brother and stills.

“You really think that _this_ is your fault?” he asks. “That what happened to me is your fault?”

The scars on his shell are rough and jagged, just like the wounds that were the cause of them. They’re still large in size, and Donnie fully believes that they will never truly reduce in size. Not after the trauma, his body went through. But with time and Leo’s suture work, they’ve healed quite nicely. Of course, Donnie is reminded of them every time he crosses in front of a mirror without his battle shell. And sometimes even he catches himself staring at them. Sometimes he reaches up and brushes one of his fingers along the top of them and can’t help but wince. But at this moment, all Donnie wants to do is make a goddamn point. 

“Well?” Donnie asks again, his voice rising. “Do you?”

“Stop it, Donnie,” Leo snaps. “Quit mocking me!”

“You didn’t answer my question, Leo,” Donnie quips. He turns to Leo who has his eyes squeezed shut and his hands balled into fists. “Do you honestly think that what happened to me is _your_ fault?”

“How is it clearly _not_ my fault?” Leo demands. He gestures to the battle-shell on the ground and unsheathes his ōdachi. He points the tip of the blade to the battle-shell and then to Donnie. “I should’ve been there to protect you,” he says slowly. He lowers his sword. “I could’ve — I could’ve stopped this from happening if I had just — if I had just gotten there sooner… I could’ve — _I could’ve_ — ”

The rooftop goes quiet and Leo goes eerily silent as well. And Donnie is not a fan of this side of Leo. But, he knows his brother better than anyone. He knows when to push and when to back off — and this was one of those times that he needed to back off. So, he waits. Biting his lip, he watches as his brother’s hand begins to shake and the sword he held so tightly slips and clatters to the ground. Donnie flinches at the sound the sword makes as it falls to the ground and holds his breath.

And then Leo breaks.

A sob rips through him and Donnie shuts his eyes. Leo sinks to the ground next to his sword, curling his arms around his middle and bowing. Hot tears spill from his eyes and stream down his cheeks. Donnie exhales shakily and slowly approaches Leo by crouching down and kneeling in front of him. His hands rest on his knees and he sits there, patiently and quietly watching Leo’s body shake and tremble with violent sobs. Donnie allows seconds to tick by before he swallows thickly and sighs. 

“Leo?” he whispers. 

His brother’s only response is a choked sob. 

“Nardo?” Donnie tries again, but still nothing. He was going to have to try a different approach. _oh dr. feelings don’t fail me now,_ he muses. 

“Leo? I get it if you don’t want to talk but — ”

“Why are you still here?” Leo manages to mumble, cutting him off. “What do you want?” His head stays bowed and his body is still shaking. But the sobs have reduced themselves to sniffles. 

“I want you to listen to me. Just shut up and listen to what I have to say, alright?”

Leo sniffs and wipes his eyes with the back of his hand.

“Fine.”

 _good. finally, i might be able to get a word or two in,_ he sighs. 

Donnie nods and closes his eyes a moment. He reaches to touch his shell and says, “This wasn’t your fault.” He removes his hand from his shell and reaches out to grab hold of Leo’s shoulder. Leo doesn’t make a move to pull away but Donnie can feel his body tense up. “None of this was your fault.”

Leo slowly lifts his head and Donnie meets his brother’s tear-filled eyes. He tightens his hold on Leo’s shoulder. 

“What happened to me was _not_ your fault,” he says again. “It wasn’t Raph’s, or Mikey’s, or April’s, or even Splinter’s fault.” He pauses and closes his eyes a moment. He turns his head away and then looks up to meet Leo’s gaze. 

“But I should’ve been there,” Leo cuts in. “I could’ve — ” 

“No — don’t even start. You and Dad were in the Hidden City trying to find us a way to send Shredder back crawling to whatever hellish dimension he came from,” Donnie says. “We needed you both there so we could buy you time. You can’t just — ” he pauses a moment. 

“You know, I blamed myself too, Leo,” he says with a shrug. “But I know now that no one is to blame for this. What matters now is that you need to let go of that guilt you’re holding.”

“Who are you and what have you done to my twin?” Leo sniffs. He wipes his eyes again, raising a brow ridge. “Did Pops give you some kind of fortune cookie crap?”

Donnie rolls his eyes and shakes his head. 

“Actually the credit should go to Raph,” he responds. He retracts his hand and drops it into his lap. “After I woke up, I was holding a lot of guilt. Like a lot of guilt,” he confesses. “I thought that everything was my fault. I thought that if I had just been faster or smarter that none of this would’ve happened. And Raph told me that it wasn’t — and he said that I needed to let it go. And when I did, I felt a lot better.”

Leo stares at him like he'd grown two heads, four arms, and a third eye. He cocks his head to the side, brow ridge still raised. 

“I’m starting to think that whatever Shredder did to you might’ve gotten into your head,” Leo says. He narrows his eyes. “You feeling murderous at all? Have the need to go steal candy from some kids or something?”

Donnie frowns in response. 

“You are really not helping me here, brother,” he huffs. 

“What can I say? Sarcasm is my coping mechanism,” Leo responds with a shrug and wink. 

“Oh my God Leo, stop being such a brat and just hug me already!” Donnie groans. 

Leo snorts, slowly wrapping his arms around Donnie’s neck, allowing himself to be pulled into a hug. Donnie feels Leo cling tightly to him and exhale shakily. They sit like that for a while, just holding onto one another. Donnie shuts his eyes and allows himself to relax. Minutes tick by and eventually, Leo is the one who dissolves the hug, breaking away and wiping his eyes again. Donnie can see that his brother’s eyes are bloodshot (as to be expected) and there are tear stains on his mask. 

“I think that’s enough brotherly affection for one day, don’t you?” Leo says, his famous smirk curling across his lips. 

Chuckling, Leo gets up to his feet and helps Donnie up. He gathers up his ōdachi and sheaths it across his back. He reaches down and gingerly picks up Donnie’s battle-shell and hands it to him. Donnie accepts his creation and taps his fingers onto it. 

“You wanna go finish the marathon?” Leo asks, knocking his fist into Donnie’s shoulder. 

“In a second,” Donnie says. He motions for Leo to go on without him. “I’ll meet you there in a bit. I just — I need a minute.”

“Don’t be too long or Raph will hunt you down,” Leo replies. He pats Donnie on the shoulder before jumping across to the other building's rooftop. Donnie watches from the opposite roof as his brother climbs down the fire escape and then disappears into the manhole cover. 

With Leo gone, Donnie finds himself alone on the roof. He can hear distant car horns and people talking down below. But with the world so focused on themselves, they pay no attention to the mutant turtle on the rooftop. Sighing, he looks down at his battle-shell and runs a finger over the purple metal. He bites his lip and carefully shoulders the battle-shell onto his back. He adjusts the straps to his liking and then turns in the same direction Leo ran off too. He follows the same path as his brother and makes his way back to the lair where he stops in the doorway. He finds Leo on the floor with Mikey, April, and Sunita. Raph is leaning against Splinter’s chair, and their father is tapping his claws against the arm of the chair. 

On the projector, Jupiter Jim is saying something to a dying alien that he can’t quite hear but judging by the tears in Raph’s eyes, it’s something sappy and mushy. Mikey is also crying to which he throws his arms around Leo and the two start crying together. Sunita looks confused, looking up to April who is fighting tears. And then just with a trick of the light, Donnie catches a stray tear fall down Splinter’s cheeks. 

Donnie feels a smile grace his lips, and he stands there a moment, just taking in the scene in front of him. He reaches up and touches his shoulder. His finger grazes the top of his shell, barely brushing the tip of one of his scars. He looks up back at his family and nods. 

_yeah, we’re gonna be okay._

_we’re gonna be okay._

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and there we have it. 
> 
> a fitting end to a story that's certainly grown on me and a fandom that has grown on me as well. 
> 
> don't worry my friends! there will be more fan-fics for the turtles in the future! i already have several in mind and i am so excited to see what 2021 has in store. thanks friends for all the love and support!
> 
> \- natalie


End file.
